The dust settles in my mind

I was running through the empty streets. It was so dark except for the flickering of the old lamp post. I knew you wouldn't come so I went without you. Its always better that way. It hurts but I know its the right thing to let you go. I'm not the same when you're around. I can't quite put my finger on what it is but some thing's not quite right. I feel the leaves fall through my fingers as I reach out towards the bushes its wet and cold just like our house is. Something changed that day I knew it would. But I couldn't quite help it. It felt like I was holding my breath and if I did so for any longer I would have dropped down dead. So I blurted it out and I shocked myself. 

I'm bigger than this. It's not going to stop me. Its just a step back and then the grass will grow in my mind and will surely become...well what does it become. You tell me?  Who knows what's going to happen but one things for sure. Everything is changing and a small part of me is allowing the excitement to grow and embrace my new life. It's not the end. I can feel it. Come back to me and lets weed each others gardens. I don't mind if you're not fully ready. Just be here with me...

It so simple... yet I always forget. It's silly some how that all the things I've built up over the years can disappear in an instant. I'm conscious of my thoughts drifting away from that which is real. Too easily this can happen... The birds... The beautiful birds are singing.  They are calling to me. They bring me back, they bring me back to you and I can't run away any more. I'm sorry I've been running all my life and now my darling I'm back, back in your arms! 

My soul is yearning, crying out for something... That something is me...

Glass is everywhere. It sparkling and white. Shattered all over the ground and I try to step forward without cutting my feet. I just about manage it but then at the last hurdle I stumble. Its always the same. But somehow I know even though it feels the same, this time its different. What a contradiction but some how it makes sense in my mind. I'm not sure if its the film that covers my face, as though I'm trapped in a bubble and can't get out. But somehow I know that it can be overcome. The glass is there to remind me of this. I want to roll my body all over the floor and scream at the top of my lungs but settle for a tiny whisper that allows that same old song to be revealed once again. What would it feel like to be stuck inside a balloon? The colour is red and masking my face. Well this is how it feels. I can breathe but only just and I can see you but only just. You can't see me but only just and I'm stuck with out realising but only just. Everything is cloud...

The scars are fading fast. The drip will not stop. I am all of you yet none of you. When will you listen? Its nibbling at my feet again. Yes, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I'm not explaining it like I always have to. I want it to stop but yet want to see if I can hang on in for a few minutes to see how far I can push myself. This is not what I expected and yet everything I always wanted. I can't keep my hands to myself. Not in the way that one would expect but one in such a way that seems silly some how! I know its better this way. The mirror reflects that face that I can't stand like that place I called home as a child. It just doesn't seem to make sense yet in the back of mind its perfectly clear. This is not what you expected yet you're still here. You don't run away at the slightest of hurdles. In fact nothing seems to faze you, not even if I do all the ugly things most people hate. You just blink and say something funny. I've been wa...

And who would have thought? It all comes back to this. My one true love. My first love. How could I have passed you by? Distracting myself with less exciting things that just do not hit the spot. Only you can take me to that place that no one else can. I'm just not myself with others trying to settle for pretend versions of you.  I need all of you. All at once. For so long I've blocked you out because I just didn't believe I could have you fully. But my heart is here with open arms hoping you haven't given up on me. And I pray you decide to hang on in for a few more minutes to show me I'm worth the wait. Please forgive me my dear I've been blind all these years. Hiding and covering the cracks to block you out. But I'm back and I'm here to stay. My body yearns to experiment with your old ways and to learn new ways. Eager to make up for lost time. Movement, theatre, dance, call me what you like in front of the others but to me you will always be 'my lo...