The dust settles in my mind

I feel like me but not, That tricky things are attempting to be a way that does not fit. Again there is nothing wrong with the way I was made and formed. This is celebrated by some and shamed by others. The silly parts are there to be enjoyed and kept. Only you know the truth, you are hiding away again and its okay. I have something up my sleeve in order to tempt you. Slowly making your way back out from hiding in the bush. Our childhood memories are whispering in the background and you can hear them ever so softly and they are bringing you back to me. It never has to be mentioned again that you went missing for all these years. you were missing but were always there somehow contradictions follow me round but we know it makes sense in the minds of those that feel. Rocks are crashing wildly against each other and there is a break exactly down the middle. I can hear them whispering ever so softly in the distance, the sounds are pleasing to my bones and I call out to you.

Untitled document Untitled, unnamed, uncaptured Nurturing slowly, Manifesting slowly but surely then all at once. I wake up calm without any thoughts... The glass is in the distance The reflections are good, what am I saying good is such a word like nice Nice means nothing Words mean nothing and everything at the same time I like being outside and the darkness lurks in the distance or rather just under the surface. The darkness and everything is allowed I want it all and everything. Messy, real and everything in between. The leaves... Boredom leads to this, leads to endless possibilities for you and me I can hear you calling my name as I look back at all the things that are yet to cone. Like waves. The water covers my face and my body enjoys this feeling. My body is back attached to my head again, the way most people are not accustomed to living.

There is always something to be revealed. It's hiding just underneath the surface like a flicker in the wind. We always knew that this would come. It has been waiting getting ready to emerge for all these years. We have been planting seeds waiting for the right time to come. My hair is wild and messy blowing in the breeze just how I like. Things have changed, small, big and all the details in between are moving forward in just the way one would hope. If I were to draw it out it would look exactly the way our shadows look. My face has been revealed and stripped bare not in the obvious way but that part of me that a goodbye was said to a long time ago has come back. It is as though it was never missing and you are wondering how it was possible for me to be without it, like pretending your arm was invisible. I feel it, I feel it all the time. In everything I touch and seek. Lurking in the distance and you take another step forward and I don't look back. Circles are everywhere and ...

The birthday card expresses the same thing each, those exact same words each and every year. It's been that way since we were small. 33 years! It's funny somehow that a year goes by yet the writing remains exactly the same. Those few words explain everything. Short and sweet, in order, rigid, in the right place, no mistakes, no bumps in the road, no wrinkles, no creases. It's almost like holding your breath. but no body can live like that. It's everything that I don't want to be. I've been contained in a tiny box that I have been spilling over the sides for years. They kept squashing me back in. But now I'm too far down the line. I burst through the sides and its messy and all over the floor. The balloon burst a while ago yes this is true but that box remained in tact tightly around my heart. Now the sides are all broken and I laugh because cardboard and rules were never going to keep me in. Its like an invisible barrier that no one dares to cross. Like the ...

Its like it's crawling all over my skin. Trying to find its way in. Attempts to bite its way through, but the block will not let it. The block is necessary for now. Too many attempts has left one exhausted and empty at to its core. The sadness comes thick and fast like the realisations. Letting go of it all makes things seem all the more manageable but if things were as easy as that I would click my fingers and you would vanish in an instant, But my dear we all know this is not the way things work. When I go to sleep you are there, when I'm driving in my car you are there. When I'm running relentlessly around the park. I trust myself and know you are there. But where am I?

There is a crack in the wire. That's how the lights get in. I like it somehow, it fills me with a sense of peace. Inside there is peace outside there is chaos. There is always chaos. Its like the way I look is a facade and a distraction away from the truth. Most of the them don't know this, but you do. You always knew everything that needed to be said. We enjoyed it this way, a deeper sense of knowing and looks meant more than we could ever explain in person. It's the way I like life to be, meaningful and there is always something to be curious about. Simple is not something I am able to be. I often wished I could be but secretly I was happy with the way I was. What a surprise after all the this time. Except my hands are empty without you.

We have to say everything was good. I must admit that for a while I let you go in my mind. But secretly I just found different ways to distract myself. My heart never let go. You were a dream come true. My hands reached out for you and it felt like home the moment our eyes made contact. It has always felt that way. The leaves all fell off the tree and gave no sign of coming back. One by one, they just took up and left. The black hole got bigger and bigger until it suddenly decided to swallow me whole. My hands had no choice and couldn't hold on any longer. I often send you thoughts along the way down the invisible wires that are between the spaces where we used to be.  There are so many these days. I'm somewhere in the middle of where you are and where I used to be. My secrets are hoping their way back to you across the waves on the empty streets. They will reach you, they know this for certain. What they will find upon their arrival it was scares me the most. They hope its the...