The dust settles in my mind

I am living in a bubble, behind the bubble and in front of the bubble at the same time. Holding up my hands and trying to break the glass. Can you hear me? Trying to be understood but falling upon deaf ears. Its hard to explain. Its hard to accept. It is hard for you to see me as I am without colouring me with all of your own perceptions and views on how you see things to be. I wish you well, I wish them all well. I wish you could hear me. I am drowning will you catch me before its too late to swim. Call my name, call it again and brush my hair way from my face in a way I feel you are really there. You made it back to me when things became harder that we ever planned. I will always remember the ones who stood by me in the end when it seems like no one could handle the truth. The truth is clawing at my neck again and I wish it would stop just for a moment to give me a breather to take it all in to allow some space for us to be the way we were before we knew of this.

I am falling in and out of what we used to be. This change is permanent you see, who knew we could be this way, together yet separate. Like a bird singing softly as it perches outside my window. But wait...I am dancing in the kitchen late at night secretly so no one can see me. I am free in a way I could never have been before. You are calling me, calling me, calling me, calling me and I don't answer. I pretend I can't hear you anymore like when I was 5 and lied to the hearing specialists because I wanted it to be my secret. I used to pretend I couldn't hear them when secretly I had gone into my own world. My body remained on the earth but I, the real me was somewhere else. Always somewhere else. somewhere safe where only you and me can be. We are whispering which is my favourite thing to do and hiding out underneath the bed. 

We are choosing all the things we want. We don't have to do what they say any more, no more following the rules and pretending. I was always pretending to be real but was never really there. I am holding your hand and can smell the sea air. I love certain smells, like the smell after it rains on a summers evening it brings me back to you. I am always running back to you or is it me? We are the same but somehow not the same. Contradictions are what we have always known. I am going back to the dusky road where we met in a truck going nowhere on a late summer evening years before. It was so hot but we didn't mind the breeze and the laughter kept us sane.  I will wait for you there to see if once more we can begin again as though it was the first time. I call your name and then I wake up. Dreams bring us back together but I know you are no longer here anymore but I can always find you in my dreams. You are safe in there until I return again. 

I need moments in between the moments of our lives to catch up, to breathe, to think, to understand, to pause, to take stock, to just be. To not give everything away but to give to me for a moment. I always abandon myself rather than the others. I now choose me over and over in every life time. It is a risk I am willing to take, to delve into the the night and place my focus there. I am covering my ears and I can't hear you anymore. Will you still love me when I am gone or will you wait for me to return to you again? Either way I am risking it all as there is nothing more beautiful than this, living in freedom. My greatest weakness comes wrapped up as a gift from the wilderness. I run around with my shoes in my hands and I throw them one by one into the sea. I have returned to the truth and my hands of holding on lightly to everything and we sit and we whisper into the dark. The part of me that was cut away has recently been found discovered and covered in mud. I find you there als...

I am sitting still and I am waiting. We are here but also there. In fact we are everywhere. I am slipping through the photos of the ones from the past. Each one brought me to something new and I am thankful. The bath has started leaking again into the floorboard where we left the wine glasses from a few days ago. The little ones are calling for us again and we are pretending to hide in ways that they can always find us. They are laughing as are we. We are always laughing. I am running in my mind but know I'm safe with you. I have always been safe with you. That's why I know you feel it too as you don't play the games all the others do. We didn't want it to happen but we fell down the crack in the floorboard, that one with a creak no matter how lightly we tread. Somehow this was happening way before either of us knew. In a place before time began.

We were connected by the roots of the tree. In all things I see what was never there before. Whispering into it all it sneaks into everything in a good way. Holding this and opening the gate that you fixed a long time ago. We are welcoming in something new and we are laughing as we always do right before we know what is happening. It emerges like the tidal wave in the sea. Our sea where no one else can reach us except those little ones that are holding us tight. They came to save us and bring us back to each other. The roots have intertwined and this is where we are meant to be. Our cottage over looks the landscape and the land that surrounds us keeps us safe and whispers to us softly as we make our work ready to show the world. We sit and read our books in the bath. You were there before I knew who you were, we have always been connected in this lifetime and the next. We sing our favourite lullaby and empty the bath.

I am my own obstacle. I fear and retreat once you appear to emerge from the depths of the sea. Dark storms are hiding in the wings. The stage provides comfort, a sense of safety we all need. I am seeing and hearing as if for the first time. The level of acceptance has no bounds. The call is coming, whispering ever so softly and I invite you in. This is different in a way I like. Trusting the wind will bring us where we need to be