The dust settles in my mind

It seems these things have seen better days like that old teddy bear that ended up in the wash and lost his eye. I prefer him that way. It gives him character like that scar on my leg that's fading as each day passes. I like the marks and things that appear as we enter different stages of our lives. Its like my stories are written on my skin and only those who are close are in the know. I like secrets. The harmless ones that at are not for everyone. The ones that are for us to keep and to show each other under the covers when night falls. But I can't seem to wake you these days. No matter what I do. You are walking around in a some sort of deep sleep and there is nothing I can do to save the mess that has been created. And so I drift into memories of the D and T cupboard at primary school and remember how time just stopped when I was in there. Rummaging around in all the boxes and realising that nothing else mattered. The peaceful safety of my own world. Its filled with pipe cl

I can't believe I didn't see it till now. I've been hiding, trying to keep quiet  and do the right thing and only whispering the truth in those hidden moments. It seems strange and it is sad some how that its only in those moments I was able to be the way I need to be. The trees knew it all all long and tried to reach out to me. But I never listened. The books I read are feeding my mind in ways I didn't knew existed. My mind is starved from reaching that level. I crave it so much. My bones are calling out for it. I wish for you to be still. Still long enough to realize. But that will come one day, I will wait for you in my dreams. There you will see and we will be free.

The lights are off. Someone switched them off a while ago. It's hard to see. But I like it that way. It's like no one can reach me that way. It's like a different world exists. One where I can do all the things I'm usually too scared to do. There are too many things going on for them to keep up with me. Its like I'm just out of reach. I like being out of reach. I can't get hurt that way. Well its harder for the hurt to reach me that way. But it hurts in other ways. I'm not sure which is worse. It's always been like this, some join for a while and it works then it seems they can't keep up. They can't keep my mind engaged. Why is that? What does it take to engage me on another level? Not the mundane everyday one but a world where all the unseen things exist. Like a world where me and you are dreamers and we run through the forest hand in hand without our shoes. I love the feeling of walking barefoot on the hard surface with a few leaves and twigs

When they cut half of me away. It felt like the right thing to do. I was reluctant at first but then I let go. I gave in somehow. It was necessary. It was what I knew deep down the thing to do. The right thing. To give me some space away from it all. To see things how they really are rather than constantly distracting myself. You know its actually easily done. My mind is like a secret warrior trying to fight it all. Fight those imaginary monsters under my bed the ones I thought were there when I was 5. They are important to me less so now. Right or wrong its just the way it is. My jaw is tense from all the fighting. I fight,  I kick and I scream  just not in the way one would think but hidden in my dreams. Its hidden away and you can't see it. No one can. Well I say no one, the ones that matter the most can see it as though it  was placed upon a giant billboard with flashing neon lights advertising my deepest darkest secrets. But that's okay. I don't mind letting them

Its never simple. Always so many thoughts trying to distract me. Then its the one that is relentless. Its her. Why can I not just let it go as though its some how relevant. My hands can't grasp the feeling. Its running away from me. Its always out of reach. Its not important enough to give it any weight. Just run away to the circus with me and see better days are yet to come

That word. That time. You me and a big jack in a box or was it a pirate ship? I can't quite remember but I know how it felt. I always know how it feels. I can never escape the feelings. Some people can easily block it away. Well I've been running my whole life and now there are no distractions and I have to face myself. The balloon has burst and its messy like that game on fun house. We used to watch it religiously when we were kids and you always wanted to be one of the twins and I wanted to be Pat Sharp. I don't know why but it just made sense somehow in my mind. It must have been his 80s mullet or bad choice of clothes. But we don't live on the same street anymore and all those things I use to hate I'm starting to fall in love with. I'm clinging on to them and trying to get back to before. I've lost a part of myself and I'm slowly turning into something else. It's okay. Im used to it now. Quick give me back my balloon I need to cover my face.

Its never the same when I'm with you. That smile I can't resist. I can't get enough. You feed me berries as though they are medicine for my insides. You are always bringing presents not like actual physical things but gifts from.another place. From another life I've never known. Its feels good. Its feels safe with you. I dont want this to ever end. I can't liken the feeling to anything else. I brush my hair and wipe your mouth. Its beautiful being with you. The insides of me are the same as the inner of you. We look different but we are the same. It works. Its plain and simple. But there is nothing plain and simple about you. I like the fact I can make jokes and hide my face away from you. My smile is showing beyond this place. My smile is big enough for those to see who are not able to reach it.

One of my legs is hanging off. I'm not sure how it got to this but we are here. We are here and you are hiding around the back like you always do. I'm not sure why you do it but its a habit that you started way back when we were kids and now its something I don't notice so much or think is strange. In fact its one of the things I like about you the most. We are hiding out and you are calling my name, not my real one but the nickname you gave to me that year when all the trees and plants died in our garden. No one knows about our secrets. No one knows about the things we do and I like it that way. Lets take all our clothes off and run into the water. First I want to dip my toe in and then we will dive right in. I'm holding your hand underneath the water like I always do. I said I was sorry about yesterday but you can't hear me any more. You've swam too far away and now a storm is coming. I'm scared I will not be able to reach you any more. Come back to me. C

The realisations comes thick and fast. No what am I saying? In fact they come slowly and softly more like a mother whispering a lullaby to her new baby rather than a toddler stamping his feet. They keep coming and it's only now I've taken the time to stop they are telling me what I've needed to hear for years. It's okay. It's actually okay I'm not scared any more. Who am I to judge the things that happened in times gone by. I can still run through the trees with my hair around my shoulders blowing in the wind I can still speak with you on Sundays and hold your hand under the blankets. We can still speak Japanese and pretend we don't hear them. I can still drink my cup of tea and pretend I'm the Queen. I can eat my breakfast in front of them all and no one even notices that it's me. Yes the one who used to hide and never seek for this way of life. I'm half way over the fence and I'm enjoying the feeling. Knowing you are on the other side pati

Trust is not something can comes easily. It comes and goes in waves. The waves are getting bigger these days. I'm not sure if its you or if its me thats changed. Maybe a combination of the two. But I don't seem to put a stop to it these days. I taste a hint of familiarity. My people they cry, my people are calling out for me and I'm just out of reach these days. My fingers skim the surface and I want to touch those familiar faces the ones with the wrinkles. They come out more when you are laughing. But these days you laugh less and less. Your voice sounds different to what it was before. Its like its still you but somehow its not. You look the same. Age has been good to you but you are not the same and neither am I. And that's okay. Things change, people change and I'm happy with that. Lets go they said, let go and see what happens. The dust is wiped away and all that is left is memories of you. They fade as time goes by. Everything fades as things go by but the

It happened straight away. It was sudden and a bit of a shock. They cut half of me away and left me with the rest. No one else seems to think it's a big deal I'm walking around and no one seems to notice. My heart is in a box and I'm missing parts of me I can no longer reach. I can feel and sense the memory of them whispering in the distance. The wind blows around my ears and they try to tell me something. But it's no use they are gone and I am sad. Half of me is missing.

It's the feelings again. They come back every now again and they take over. Its beyond reason and I know its hard for you to understand But what can I say? Its the feelings again. I've always been this way. I change and they come back. I stay they same and they are with me hiding in my pockets and up my sleeves. Its like when I turn the taps off and its keep dripping out and then its turning red and its everywhere. All over the bathroom floor like and you would have thought it would never disappear. I love the colour red. Its just well you know, how can I say? What I mean is, it just gives me that feeling. You know the one. Yes. That one. Yes its the feeling again, written all over the floor I want to write all over your walls and never come back. But I always end up back here with one shoe missing and the other broken. I lost my laces somewhere along the way. Everything passes by in a blur like when I was inside that balloon. Why do they always take over and cover my ears so

I didn't hear what you said. It all came out as a blur. I could see your lips moving but the sounds did not reach my ears until years later. Call me stupid but I don't get it. I just simply do not understand. My feet are sore from all the walking. I lost my shoes an hour ago and wish I was home with you. The land is dry like the sadness that is no longer with me. Its on a one way ticket to some place else where it can't find me anymore. I hope it doesn't find its way to you like a leech that refuses to budge. Run with me into the water. Lets find that place and never emerge. Then it hit me you were right all along.

And we are here again. Yes I know, again. Who would believe it. You know it and I know it. Its the same old thing. Its pulling at my sleeves, tugging at my ankles and trying to get into my right shoe. I tuck my trousers into my socks to try to stop it. But its no use. They are always sneaking around thats what they do. Any possible way to make themselves heard.  The colours are so vibrant. And all I can hear is screaming. My ears of bleeding from the incessent noise its relentless. It makes me sad and I want to cry. But its no use I can't. The tears they will not come. Its not the time nor the place for things such as these. I'm walking down that same old street, the cracks in the pavement bring me comfort. Everyone around me is talking in ways I dont understand. I can't quite grasp it and why it feels like this. How can we wish for it to be any different? That smell that beautiful smell I can't get enough of and I'm calm again. Im laughing and I can't stop m