The dust settles in my mind

There are no words. They have left the building like the day you packed it all in and left. Nothing to say any more. Everything has come and gone and there I am left like someone’s old shoes. Battered and bruised filled with holes and trying to hold it together with the tiniest speck of truth hidden in the left heel. It's always the shoes. Yours, mine and that person from 5 streets away. You know the one I'm talking about. The one who has the funny laugh and glint in their eyes. The one with all the kids. The one who is always laughing and telling that same joke that you can't get enough of.  God I love that laugh. Your laugh. The people are calling out to us they want to be part of our story. But they can't hear us we are too far away them and also the language we are speaking is not one they have any knowledge of. It's our language, our secret. No one even comes close to touching you the way I do. I don't mean physically I mean you're beautiful way of b

They come and go just like before but this time its different. The taps running and what I can only describe as something that resembles water is slowly dripping out. Its a strange substance not what you would expect yet its coming out and the bath is over flowing so its pouring all over the floor. It the last of the tank. Its clearing out the mud and when its finished. There you will be. Pushing yourself through the pipes and then you will emerge fully formed. Like nothing I've seen before.

That sinking feeling comes again. It comes in waves and then hits me all at once. Don't do it. Don't even think about it. Oh go on just a bit. No, nothing at all.  I run and run and run too scared to stop in case it catches up with me. I pretend its not an issue and pretend I'm normal like everyone else. What does that even mean? I say it so often but what does it actually mean? Normal to me, normal to you, normal to the person whose culture is completely different to mine, normal to some one who is a different race, gender, sexual preference. What is normal? Normal does not exist but yet I cling to the notion that it does like a fragment of truth trying to escape through a sheer fabric like the sun sneaking through my broken window. The bottom line is i'm scared it will all happen again and I'll be sat in a sinking mess like the bottom of a drain with hairs that are usually stuck in the sink covering me from head to toe. What would it feel like to run? The thing w

The days are long and tiresome. My hands are small and soft, wrinkly from too much time in the bath. My eyes have no more tears. No more make up stained faces. It has all been erased and washed away like someone’s old memories. They are etched in my trunk hidden underneath to keep them safe. My heart moved on a while ago but my mind took it's time to catch up. But now it's free. Today is my last day. And then the thoughts of you will come any longer. I'm sad but only for a while. It will pass just as seasons change. And  I'm  off to do all of those things I couldn't do while we were two. My new life is waiting and I can't hold on any more and neither can you. 'Why do we sacrifice so much energy to our art? Not in order to teach others but to learn with them what our existence, our organism, our personal and unrepeatable experience have to give us; to learn to break down the barriers which surround us and to free ourselves from the breaks which hold us b

The demands are immense. They come from every angle and there is nothing I can do to stop them. Who knew that so many things required so much attention. I've never really needed you I always thought that I did. But I guess that was when I wasn't myself and didn't take the time to listen to what I wanted. I'm stronger than I realise and its happening now. All in good time. I always saw this as one of my downfalls but maybe it's one of my strongest weapons. I give and give and give. But now its time to STOP. I'm not letting them take any more. My hands reach out for the leaves. I love the way they fall through my fingers. The old ones are the best. I'm not for you anymore. I've given enough and I'm sorry if for you that doesn't seem appealing but that's the way it has to be. You'll understand one day and maybe we can talk then. Or maybe not but either way I'm saying goodbye.

I remember the bitter taste. The sweet softness of the touch. It dripped out of my mouth and on to my clothes. It was everywhere all messy and sticky. I remember your face. That nose that I  loved to touch. I placed sweet kisses upon it. It felt just exactly how I imagined. Those big brown eyes that failed to conceal your hidden sadness. That you never chose to share. If you look for long enough it's all laid out for everyone to see. You looked odd in a way that I liked. I wanted to know you more but that wasn't an option for you. I wanted to delve into the depths of your soul but skating on the surface was enough for you. I was eager to learn more and find out your secrets, the ones you don't tell anybody. I wanted to find out the things you do when no ones watching. I still wonder what could be hiding underneath. Honest isn't one of the things you like to be. Not now and not with me.

My brain is sick filled with thoughts that do not suit any one to have. They have been festering and rotting away for days or is it years? I can’t quite remember. It all a bit of a blur, time passes and no one is listening. But let’s be clear about this. I feel a whisper would be more fitting.  It's been centuries!  Wow, how old do I feel now but it’s more precise this way. I've had the privilege of their company in many different situations and places. They have travelled with me to primary school especially on that day, when I dressed up as Beethoven, the dog that is not the composer, most days in the supermarket especially when I was living in London and what you have in your basket is as important as what clothes you decided to dress your body in that day, auditions, rehearsals, drama classes at university in fact every part of what I love about the theatre they are there waving and smiling at me, on the bus yes that simple place to take you from A to B and they tur

The cuffs on my sleeves are rolled up. The colour is appealing to the eye. I love this place. This feeling. How strange to think it was only what feels like yesterday you called to say you wanted me. Feelings are so odd. Sometimes you just know something is right and so easily you know when something is wrong. Like when you first meet someone and you get that vibe. Good or bad or indifferent. Sometimes it's so strong. We sat on the steps on that cobbled street and talked for hours. It’s funny because you're nothing like the others but then I’m nothing like how I was before. My mind enjoys been challenged to think outside the box. I hate that saying. To think in a different way seems more fitting somehow. The millions of thoughts in my mind distract me and I can breathe again. Fully breathe in the sea air and see the beautiful flowers that are calling out to me. Talk to them you said. Tell them your thoughts, ask them questions. You never know what they will say in reply. You

I don't get it why did it hurt so bad I wasn't even that interested at first and then it all came and hit me at once. Was it the interest that won me over or was it just waiting to revealed and pulled out from underneath?   It was always all about the feelings of you. Rather than the sharing of the two. How could that ever work? It’s a two way thing not just a one way ticket to enjoy yourself at my expense. I guess I needed more and you my dear were just simply not able to provide such things . Some would say only the unaware behave in younger ways and maybe I demand too much but I didn't like the way I felt when I was with you. That alone is enough for me to let it go.  It seems silly somehow in such a short space of time. I went from being  un-apologetically me i nto a crappy pretend version of me. That one who used to pop out in the times before the world of chanting began. I thought I had changed. I thought it was different. This time was meant to be different. I

I cant seem to put my finger on what it is. Why are my flaws so appealing to you to rip them apart and use them as your own. A part of me I would prefer not to exist and since they do. I like them to be kept private rather than you parading around as though they some how make you in to something or someone or anything other than you. It's strange to me but I guess I live in a different time and different place to you. Im carefully cutting the grass while you are squashing the delicate flowers with your clumsy fingers. Unaware of the destruction it's causing. You are pissing all over any of my positives and dressing it up as a well intentioned favour. Well I don't need favours of that kind in order for you to feel better. I'm alright as I am thanks, flaws and all. Let me breathe my own air and just be yourself. The world will thank you in the end. And so will I.

The dust settles in my mind. Its so crazy but here is it. In all its glory. It's been hiding all these years or is it that I've been ignoring it for al l these years? You know there are flowers that sing to me and call my name. Why my darling have I not heard or listened to you till now? The excitement is rising and the fear has disappeared. You and everyone we know can feel it. Enjoy it, live it, breathe it and don't let anybody tell you otherwise. It's my life, the life that I want the one. The one I've been waiting for. You're the one I've been waiting for. No not the one you think. Tell me a song and I'll sing it for you at bed time. There is a smoky sensation in the room that's clearing the more I think about it. I'm  allowing you to reach out for me. My hand is reaching back to you. Grab it and lets run naked laughing our way through the empty cobbled streets.  My heart is singing beautiful songs it's never been allowed to before. The

I'm back. This is what I've been waiting for.  That old feeling again. Feeling free and being me. How easy it is to somehow forget you as though somehow it's not a part of me. When really its all of me. Silly me, well the lesser me. The small me. Trying to control everything takes the joy out of life. Messy hair, random clothes and chaos. This is what I want.

I was running through the empty streets. It was so dark except for the flickering of the old lamp post. I knew you wouldn't come so I went without you. Its always better that way. It hurts but I know its the right thing to let you go. I'm not the same when you're around. I can't quite put my finger on what it is but some thing's not quite right. I feel the leaves fall through my fingers as I reach out towards the bushes its wet and cold just like our house is. Something changed that day I knew it would. But I couldn't quite help it. It felt like I was holding my breath and if I did so for any longer I would have dropped down dead. So I blurted it out and I shocked myself. 

I'm bigger than this. It's not going to stop me. Its just a step back and then the grass will grow in my mind and will surely become...well what does it become. You tell me?  Who knows what's going to happen but one things for sure. Everything is changing and a small part of me is allowing the excitement to grow and embrace my new life. It's not the end. I can feel it. Come back to me and lets weed each others gardens. I don't mind if you're not fully ready. Just be here with me...

It so simple... yet I always forget. It's silly some how that all the things I've built up over the years can disappear in an instant. I'm conscious of my thoughts drifting away from that which is real. Too easily this can happen... The birds... The beautiful birds are singing.  They are calling to me. They bring me back, they bring me back to you and I can't run away any more. I'm sorry I've been running all my life and now my darling I'm back, back in your arms! 

My soul is yearning, crying out for something... That something is me...

Glass is everywhere. It sparkling and white. Shattered all over the ground and I try to step forward without cutting my feet. I just about manage it but then at the last hurdle I stumble. Its always the same. But somehow I know even though it feels the same, this time its different. What a contradiction but some how it makes sense in my mind. I'm not sure if its the film that covers my face, as though I'm trapped in a bubble and can't get out. But somehow I know that it can be overcome. The glass is there to remind me of this. I want to roll my body all over the floor and scream at the top of my lungs but settle for a tiny whisper that allows that same old song to be revealed once again. What would it feel like to be stuck inside a balloon? The colour is red and masking my face. Well this is how it feels. I can breathe but only just and I can see you but only just. You can't see me but only just and I'm stuck with out realising but only just. Everything is cloud

The scars are fading fast. The drip will not stop. I am all of you yet none of you. When will you listen? Its nibbling at my feet again. Yes, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I'm not explaining it like I always have to. I want it to stop but yet want to see if I can hang on in for a few minutes to see how far I can push myself. This is not what I expected and yet everything I always wanted. I can't keep my hands to myself. Not in the way that one would expect but one in such a way that seems silly some how! I know its better this way. The mirror reflects that face that I can't stand like that place I called home as a child. It just doesn't seem to make sense yet in the back of mind its perfectly clear. This is not what you expected yet you're still here. You don't run away at the slightest of hurdles. In fact nothing seems to faze you, not even if I do all the ugly things most people hate. You just blink and say something funny. I've been wa

And who would have thought? It all comes back to this. My one true love. My first love. How could I have passed you by? Distracting myself with less exciting things that just do not hit the spot. Only you can take me to that place that no one else can. I'm just not myself with others trying to settle for pretend versions of you.  I need all of you. All at once. For so long I've blocked you out because I just didn't believe I could have you fully. But my heart is here with open arms hoping you haven't given up on me. And I pray you decide to hang on in for a few more minutes to show me I'm worth the wait. Please forgive me my dear I've been blind all these years. Hiding and covering the cracks to block you out. But I'm back and I'm here to stay. My body yearns to experiment with your old ways and to learn new ways. Eager to make up for lost time. Movement, theatre, dance, call me what you like in front of the others but to me you will always be 'my lo

And it hit me.   Blocked.  Well least its a clear message. Similar to that of a kick in the teeth. It hurt for like 5 seconds. Until I realised I'm not the same any more. The old me would have gone ahead and changed everything to be perfect person. That shit just doesn't kick it these days. Maybe it was my granddad cardigan or the fact I hadn't worn my hair in the right style or that I sat in chewing gum. Either way a bit of honesty and having the balls to say it. Goes down well in my book but that's where we differ. I knew it wasn't right from that moment. I'll keep my messy hair, the things that make me weird along with meaningful conversations. I mean netflix? Are you serious?  Family bonds a little too close for my liking. Cut those apron strings or at least loosen  the grip. Peru my darling you are looking sweeter by the minute.  Wait for me I'm on my way...

I did not speak when I needed to.  This let us both down. What needed to be said was left unspoken. The moment passed by painfully without even so much of a tiny whispered 'I like you' or any other ounce of honesty. But as always things carry on The birds still sing the same fucking song and the wind rattles my window. But all I see his him. His face stained my memory. The truth is hidden by mountains of bullshit. Your voice is in my head. Those eyes are still all I see. Time is painful when you are not around yet still it does not ease when you return. I made you up and the truth shattered by dreams. Broken shards of my make belief picture on my bathroom floor and I crumble beneath the truth.

When I was young I always felt really lonely. I always felt like I was missing something. I wanted more and no one could provide it for me. The rents were always too busy to entertain me so I used to hid under my bed and read with a torch pretending I was in another place in another time.

I used to jump from relationship to relationship always changing to suit the needs of the person I was with rather than being myself. I wasn't even sure who I was.  So it for me it fine to just be who they wanted me to be. But I would always get bored and jump ship before I was in too deep. It was so lonely. I also started relationships with anyone who would have me. I was scared to really feel anything so I just pretended, call me a professional pretender if you like. I was so scared to be real that I created all these different versions of myself. But it always left me feeling empty because I couldn't say how I really felt, or do what I really enjoyed. On the surface I looked as though I was happy but deep down I was utterly miserable. Thank fuck I'm not like that any more!

It was this morning, he looked at me and then I didn't know what to do. I knew this was the last moment and I couldn't stop it from happening no matter how hard I tried. It was over and my life was flashing before my eyes and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I had to pack all my life up into stupidly small boxes and move back to the place I hated as a child. Somehow I knew it was inevitable but I wanted to hold on for a few minutes longer rather than facing the truth.

Then it hit me. You were no longer there just a distant memory of you still existed echoing in the depths of my being and I blinked to get you back and just like that. You were gone. No excuses, no fuss. Nothing. And it was back to me again. Little old me who cries at every film and hides behind a smile because I know it’s just another disappointment to add to the trunk I have hidden in the basement. My face scarred with so many past failures visible for all the world to see. There didn’t seem to be enough room or an appropriate place to put this one. What was I supposed to do with it? Apart from jump back inside my own head which is filled with my memories and dreams of times that have past and some that are yet to come. Some stories of pirate ships, with broken sails and some of you being at the centre of it all with a balloon tied around your wrist like someone’s new toy. It was silly I guess to think this was different. To think that somehow I could erase all of those memories

No. Most definitely it was you. I’m still in a state of shock that you changed me so much I mean I’m nearly thirty years old for goodness sake surely I have grown up and become set in my ways by now. Well so I thought. You are the piece of me that was missing the little bit between the cracks, like a smile that’s faded away and not duplicated with the eyes. You just know or so they say. Well I did know. What’s next?  I hear you cry. Well I decided it was time to allow myself the joy of getting to know you.  I stumbled across my first few words feeling slightly out of my depth but knowing I was safe somehow. You made it that way and I carried on trying to get the words right so I was able to be on your level. I managed it sometimes and I saw your disappointment when I so often didn’t. But then you always said you didn’t need me to be perfect you needed me to be real. And real I am, with all stains of times gone by, shown so easily across my face. I’m not here to pretend to be

It was always you, you never even knew it but I had my heart fixed on you from the moment I took my first steps. Not you in all your glory done up, made perfect with a lick of paint and the wardrobe doors fixed up, but you broken, battered and bruised like someone’s old shoes that have seen better days. I couldn’t resist you and that’s when it all changed. I was no longer dazzled by the lights of London or the glimmer of hope and familiarity of childhood dreams that shone from the corner of the city that I called home for so many years. I was never completed satisfied, there was that incessant need of mine that I could never quite capture and fulfil.