Then it hit me.

Then it hit me. You were no longer there just a distant memory of you still existed echoing in the depths of my being and I blinked to get you back and just like that. You were gone. No excuses, no fuss. Nothing.

And it was back to me again. Little old me who cries at every film and hides behind a smile because I know it’s just another disappointment to add to the trunk I have hidden in the basement. My face scarred with so many past failures visible for all the world to see. There didn’t seem to be enough room or an appropriate place to put this one. What was I supposed to do with it? Apart from jump back inside my own head which is filled with my memories and dreams of times that have past and some that are yet to come. Some stories of pirate ships, with broken sails and some of you being at the centre of it all with a balloon tied around your wrist like someone’s new toy.

It was silly I guess to think this was different. To think that somehow I could erase all of those memories that are etched in my brain. Which feel like they will fall out at any moment in order to drip out of my ears or eyes or any other orffice so they can find someone just to acknowledge their existence.  And I’m back. Back to that the invisible prison I so often found myself in as a child. Why do I keep going back? I’m not sure you have the answers either but I secretly hope that you do.  Surely there will be a time when things will be different or is it that I need to be different for things to change? Who knows but I hope I can keep a piece of you in that tiny box I have saved for you on my dresser. I will sing songs to you and show you things I could never have done for real.

And then somehow in a moment I was least expecting in the mist of all the sadness. It finally came, I laughed out loud at the ridiculousness of it all. It was all in the blink of an eye.  Who would have thought after all these years of trying it could be so easy. I let you go and found myself.