The dust settles in my mind

I call your name but you are not listening anymore. It seems as though you left me behind without so much of a care in the world. I will whisper songs into the night time in order for secrets to reveal themselves. Its only when the night time creeps in that things begin to be real and as they ought to be. I've always like the dark. It captures things that can not be seen in the midst of the everyday in which we call life, our life. Things are not what they seem anymore. We are separate for now and I will keep a piece of this locked away, protecting the very nature of everything we know to be true. It will be watered daily and sometimes I will take it out and tell all of my secrets once again, but for now its time to close the door. It's tugging on my sleeve again and I can't resist and open it once more to sneak another quick glance. You are there in all your glory and I am smiling from around the back. You know what this means because you always do.

I can't even begin to express how wonderful these things are. The ones that have been hiding for so long have found a way there way to surface. They tiptoed around and whispered just to make sure it was safe and that the coast was clear. They are touching the surface of everything as only these things can. I am sitting here smiling at how the strangest of things can begin to emerge once the space that was left behind begins to fill. The edges are rusty but that doesn't matter, perfection is the killer of all things I good. Things falling out, that overflowing drawer which barely closes, broken shoes and scars that cover your body these are the things that sit well with me. My scars are waiting to be seen by you. You will be running around in your socks the one with the hole in the toe and I will be sitting smiling waiting for you to realise what I know to be true. This is how these things are running away from us. My hair blows in the breeze as we peddle down the street on our

Life is so precious, there are times when this feels so strong. It is one of those days, the slightest noise wakes me from sleep and I'm back as though its happening all over again. Panic sets in and I am paralysed by everything. Visions haunt me of what I saw before it emerged. My heart is sad, sad to see the world come to this. We are so close but live on opposite sides of the fence, both pushing for what we believe to be right. I almost can't believe it. I feel protected in some way someone was looking out for me and I was thinking of you. You are always in my dreams and I wish for better things that I could not give. Some things are not possible these days. Age is not treating me well and my body is failing me. I can barely see or hear but I know what is true. Remember the leaves are there to give you a sign. I never gave up hope and will leave you letters and hide them in places for you to find one day when you're old and wrinkly. I hope you feel the joy you always wis

There was nothing left. The leaves had all fallen away except for one. This was what I called hope in the olden days. I imagine it to be black and white like the movies. It was different some how. Somehow, somehow, just somehow. I like the feeling where it is safe for me to be me, it just makes sense like you have my back as though I could fall from the greatest height and you would always catch me. Like you are the family I was always looking for. You will always catch me when I fall. The space in between me and them is this feeling. This feeling as though everything makes sense. You know exactly what I mean without explanation. The others need everything spelling out but you're different. You have always been different. I crunch the leaf in my hand and it turns grey like what happens when we get old. I trace the wrinkles around your eyes each time you smile. My finger moves from side to side, repeating this familiar pattern that my body remembers without a flicker of a doubt. And

Knots, leaves, broken things are surrounding us. It's like barbed wire that is impossible to get around. It's really tricky and spiky but no one can deny that it is there. But its worth it if you make the effort. Like my feelings. I thought over time they would fade but they are still there. Its hard and stupid to ignore them. I can see now clearly everything that it stops me from allowing the good things. The things that matter. You can have what you want that's what they say isn't it. Well some day I believe this to be true and other times I find it hard to accept. A bit like me really. I'm like some broken old toy that got left behind, I'm half hidden under the bed but my left leg is poking out just enough to show you I'm still here. Smoke signals are sometimes needed and always wanted. Did you know that life is waiting on us? Moments are passing us by and I'm fading away with each second. The clock is ticking in the background and I'm running tow

It's a strange feeling to look down and see a body that does not feel like ones own. My arm is numb and feels like it is no longer a part of my body. It must have just decided to get up and leave in the middle of the night.  It was so cold that night who can blame it. I always think the monsters are going to grab any limb that finds its unfortunate way out of the warm cosy bed. I try to pull the sheets around my face and cover everything but I can’t stop thinking of you. I wake up and my arms reach out for you. My fingers frantically search the bed but you are not there. I open my eyes and the realisation hits me once again. Every time I wake I'm reminded again that you’re not here anymore. I have many things I have saved up waiting to tell you and I want to hear all the secrets you don't tell anybody else but I'm in the corner dancing on my own. The hairs stand up on the back of my neck but it's a near miss. The car is moving on its own and its like a dream where I

There is something there I can see it but it's cloudy. Maybe its hiding and doesn't want to be found like that penny that got stuck down the side of the sofa years ago. Or was it a nickel? I like the word nickel. It leaves my mouth in a way I like and my ears welcome the sound of it. These days things come and go like the wind. It feels different and you're not hear anymore. The house is cold and empty and the floorboards creak with every footprint. My hair is longer these days and the wrinkles cover my face and hide who I really am. I've always been hiding waiting to be found. My whole life there has been a block in the way a gap between me and them. Me and you. It was always going to stop me until it was faced. Its like a gap in the memories of times gone by. They are coming back to me sometimes slowly sometimes fast. They will reveal themselves in times to come but for now I keep the hope that the block is getting smaller and smaller and one day will fade in to

A song is playing that only you can hear. There is a block in the way which changed everything. You are here but you are also somewhere else. It doesn't make sense but some how it does. Things can not reach you.The gramophone is playing that same old song but you can't hear it anymore. Age is a troublesome thing. It has taken you away from me, there is a shadow where your former self used to be and now just a shell of you remains. It captured parts of you that will never return but your heart remains in the places it used to be. I will crank up our favourite song and secretly wish for you to send me a sign that you are making your way back to me. We will dance like those old couples in black and white movies wearing our best clothes and everyone will remember it like we are in times where things are back to how they ought to be. Your mind will come back to earth and we will whisper about our childhood memories whilst drinking tea and stealing the chance to be how we used to be

There are knots everywhere. Tangled and torn. Difficult to undo, like most things. Sand is in my shoes and in my rucksack. Or is it backpack? I never know the way to say these things. I let my last one go down the river with all the rest. Balancing on a little raft in a way only you know how. My fridge is empty and sad. The only light is flickering and will turn out soon. Left alone in the darkness and I sit and wait for bedtime to come around again. We are about to make a move, wait for it. It's one you will like. Keep whispering until its the right time. I can feel the drips of the water on my forehead and you grab my hand and pull me closer. Its time, we are ready. We are secret warriors. Tell me again the things that no one else knows. I close my eyes and all I can hear is you. Time goes by in ways I don't understand.

The sound surrounding us is like the thought of drowning which I can only imagine is being trapped in a endless sea of suffering. Like death, that helpful reminder than all could be lost in an instant or being trapped inside my mind like the man on the diving bell and the butterfly only he didn't die and was trapped without being able to talk. The feeling overwhelms but keeps me calm, like that feeling of being under water but knowing you can surface at any moment. My brain is running a million miles an hour and then I close my eyes and it stops, everything slow down and I can see clearly. My mind is empty, like that time you decide to empty your bag out and feel how clean everything has become. Like that weird advert I also remember of the woman putting everything she eats in her handbag rather than in the bin. This emptying is important to make things right again. I've spent many years re-living whats wrong and I can see now, what I could not before or so I think. Its only a

The branch broke straight down the middle, in a perfect line. I thought it would last forever but the cracks started to show and became ever more clear like the jelly that fails to set in my fridge. There are certain words that I dislike, it is not as though the words have done anything to me they just don't leave my mouth in a way that I like or that sounds like they are meant to. I've never been beautiful, words just come out in a hurry and fall out all over the place like when you open a packet of rice the wrong way and the little pieces go everywhere. Thats what it's like when I try to talk. I envy you, you and your soft way of speaking, that is kind to others ears. That voice that is beautiful in many ways, more ways that I can write down here. its like a stream flowing past my ear drums and melts my heart. My heart jumps when I hear it. It has been such a long time but I know it's you. It doesn't make sense to everyone else. We can't expect them to unders

It's one of those days when things are not the way they should be. The feelings are bubbling underneath and you are there. The pit of my stomach is yearning. You are always there and it hurts me to know that this is the way it will be for now. The waves are crashing at the side on my house and I can feel myself being pulled under. I wish for things that are yet to happen. Like that drip to stop coming out of my tap. I've tried to tighten my grip but its not working. It never works I'm not strong enough anymore. I have plaits in my hair and know that soon it will be time for them to come undone. I will wait patiently by the edge of the sea and maybe you will happen to walk by and everything will be the way it should be again. Things will have changed, wait what am I saying things have changed. I've changed and I make secret wishes and whisper them to the ocean so no one but the big wide world can hear me. Tears fall out of my eyes and I realise that red is not a colour I

There is a time for things such as these. The moment when the realisations comes in gently. Slowly but surely they are coming to me and I like it. The fighting has stopped and my mind and body are calm. The top was left off and I hadn't noticed at the time. I thought it was somehow firmly screwed on tight no room for any more. But this was not the case. The top is off and more things are allowed to happen. Maybe that's not the right word. It's not over. A stale stench of something undefined is lingering in the air and its mildly unpleasant. But I know it will pass. You are there, you have always been there but my mind and heart were too clouded to see. There has been an opening in the trees and I can see now that I was wrong about it all. This is something I'm working on, I'm changing and I want to see everything for how it is rather than what I thought. The softness if good for me. The trees brush me with there wisdom and I run along the path. My feet do not want

There is the incessant  noise of the comings and goings from the voice inside my head.  There is so much pain that is dripping out all over the place. It's messy like blood smearing everywhere. In an attempt to clean it up I am dropping things all over the floor. My hands are failing me these days. Age is taking its grip and pulling me closer to the end. I'm reaching out trying grasp the last little bits and I can't get to them anymore. The sadness consumes me and I can barely breath like the night terrors that use to consume you. They took you away and left me alone. I know you are safe somewhere out of reach but i'm still holding on with the last thread of the hope. I'll never forget you don't you worry about that. But maybe you don't worry about things such as these anymore. Come back to me and shield me from the pain, but these voices shield me but also numb me. This was not part of the plan. When I was 4 I really wanted to dance but dance was not for m

It happened so fast. I wasn't sure somehow at first but then I was certain. You seemed different. The leaves were falling off their branches and I was running away from you. I almost managed it then you caught me.  That was years ago and now we are grey and old. My face has wrinkles and I finally look my age. Some how the years caught up with me in the end. But it's better this way. I like it better than before. I'm more myself than I ever was without the wrinkles and all the scars. They cover my body like tattoos. You trace them with your fingers and push your glasses up your nose. I'm wringing out the old cloth to wipe the mess that was left behind. Your voice is getting quieter and quieter until one day it stops and I'm left with the space where you used to be. I'm always leaving and never arriving. You are always arriving and never leaving. One day my darling we will be together again for now in my dreams will have to do. I hold your glasses in my hand and f

There is a knot in the wire. You think that is so easy to undo it but my darling you are wrong. It's not as easy as it used to be. Things are getting harder and harder these days. There are the times when things are falling out of my window and I want to try and stop them but it’s no use. The are always out of reach and falling.  It hurts but its the truth. The truth is banging on the window like a bird who will not stop singing in my ear. My ears are hurting from all of the chaos that surrounds us. It's there and nothing can break it down. My socks are wet again, I always walk in the puddles no matter how many times or whatever I do to try to dodge them, it happens. I'm used to it now. I like being barefoot and walking around like nothing matters. I can feel the mud in between my toes and you are smiling as though somehow this is the funniest thing you have ever seen. The chaos is calling my name again and I'm running down the street and I almost make it out of s

The air is getting clearer each and every day. I always like days like today. I woke up late and sat beside the open window. The breeze is caressing my face I can hear distance sounds of children playing. I feel free like no one is needing or wanting any thing from me. This feels good like when I dip my hand deep into the sand. Its my secret. The breeze is warm and I'm walking bare foot down the path that leads to where you are. You are always there standing waiting with a big grin on your face. You make your way to that swing we both love and we laugh out loud like children. I could stay here for hours singing lullaby's into the well hoping our dreams and secrets reach the bottom and are safe there. I always wanted to reach the bottom but its too far down and your arms are not long enough to reach and neither are mine. I try with my foot and point my toes but that doesn't work either. You hold your wet hand out to touch my hair but I'm already climbing that old tree we

I open it up and it all comes flooding back. I'm sorry I left you for so long. But you are not what I thought. You were here waiting patiently for me to realise that this will never go away. My mind is filled with ideas again and its so simple once I allow myself the time to indulge. I will be back more often that is what I promise. But for now lets enjoy the feeling of the rain falling on my face ever so softly. I love dancing in the rain. Its that feeling that I can't describe. Its too good to be true and so are you. Its dripping down my neck and down my spine. I wish for all the things I see in my dreams to come back to me once again. And I'm running, running towards all that is good for me. Its happening its really really happening. A smile creeps in and you turn away.

There is a block again. I'm not sure if its because everywhere I turn there you are.Your face is one I can't seem to forget. Its a little sad since its not a good thing. I wish it was and I wish you would let me go and leave me to move forward but that's where me and you are different. The leaves and plants speak loudly they know the truth and I'm okay with that. I'm letting you go little one, sorry that you could never get what you wanted but that's not up to me provide. You my dear must provide that for yourself.  Some shocking news that shakes one to the core. I'm sure once all the dust has settled and my hands have stopped shaking one will forget your name again like so many times before. I even laugh a little because it is that easy for me no matter what is said I know that it simply does not make the slightest bit of difference. Maybe its time to jump in the water, wearing all our clothes and smile out to the horizon. With that feeling and that knowing

It all is happening once and I stop fighting. Once I allowed the birds to sing and the trees to sway in the breeze. I can't even hear them anymore I'm so far away in my mind that it doesn't bother me so much these days. It all feels like some weird dream. The voices have quietened down and I can see clearly in the space where the fog used to be. The name of you is playing on my mind but I allow it to wash over me like I'm proud to be here. I would even go as far as to say I am. Not in that arrogant way which you always thought but in that humble little way quietly whispering that it's okay and the space becomes bigger and I can feel myself loosen my grip. Even my jaw has ceased to clench. It gets bigger and better as the seconds tick by. I'm going to jump right in sooner or later, just watch me. The world will catch me and you will be waiting behind the scenes...

There is a sense of relief, walking through the empty spaces. There are so many things I can do, no one can see me and I am free. I have a mission and you are not the one to know what these things are for me to do. My fingers are numb and want to break free. The mark on my wrist gives me an edge. I don't know what it is. I always like the marks and things that are worn in. The box is too small for me now, I've broken through the edges and its feels strange but in a good way like something new is happening and I like it. I like the taste of things that are yet to come. The unknown is exciting and revealing something that nobody can capture. I like things to be left to there own devices. So much can happen in this unknown space. Its where dreams are made. That dream I had when I was 5 that kept repeating itself and there was a cat in my garden that refuses to leave. I tried to chase him but he somehow managed to get away but still stay in the garden. It makes no sense in that way

The scratch on my wrist is all the way across the front and even around the back. It's strange that it looks like a constellation somehow. I never heard that word so much since moving to this place. Words lose their meaning and turn into something else. Isn't it that everything turns into something else? Theses days my voice stands out like a sore thumb but I like it somehow. I've always liked being different to the rest. Where is the fun in being the same? The same as the next person, the same as that man who lives 5 streets away, the same as her. Well I guess we are all different in our own ways. I like the quirks and funny things that are not the same as the rest. My fingers are numb from the cold and I want to hold on to this a little longer but my grip is getting looser by the second and then it happens. I drop it all in the water and you are no where to be seen. Where are the things that happened in times gone by? Somehow it changed when you said that word. We all hav

The trees are blowing in the wind and all I can see is you. I grab your hand and we sing that song that no one else knows. We speak of things that are not for others ears. I am waiting patiently with my shoes in my hand. I know you are there hiding, waiting it out. My tea is getting cold and my hand is reaching out for you in the middle of the night. I want for all these things but they are not for me. Not yet, the time will come when things will be right. I'm sorry you always said things that to me are not true. Me and you are different  you see. I'm like a stone and you are like a pebble. We may look similar but we want for a different way of life. The darkness is calling my name like that way it used to and sometimes it catches me and others I manage to slip away, like the way sand runs through my fingers. Honesty is something that doesn't come easy but I don't want to live my whole life as a lie or some half truth that one day felt right and now some how it doesn