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Showing posts from 2018

It is better this way

The rocks are falling down repeatedly onto my skin. I am still it is as though nothing can move me. The way you used to see me has disappeared but I know it is still there. That smile is peaking through the cracks in the door. They are hiding in that little cupboard we both love, the one we used to hide in when we were kids. I am running through the streets and know you are always on the next one like in a dream. Aching I find my way outside your door but never knock. I know you are there checking in on me when no one is looking. Not the way it appears but in another world separate form this where we both exist. Secrets are being kept and wondering why we never made it in the end. But the end has never happened so one day I will be on my way to you in the way you like. Time stops still and we know it is better this way.

Mirror

The mirror reflects a tiny window into the abyss. I can see many things and nothing it at all. There is a light in the distance. Revealing the truth of yesterday. The truth never stops being heard. Unless you choose to turn your face the other way. I know you can handle this. Stop the madness and settle in. My bones are telling me all I need to know and you are there covered from head to toe. Hiding out waiting to be found. My heart is happy and my head is messy. The bottles peak out around the corner and lead me to you. Until next time my hands are waiting and I am free. Holding it loosely so you feel it too.

If I am still enough, I hear you

There are hidden feelings underneath, trying to poke through the surface. If I am still enough, I hear you. A whisper can be heard in all the places we have ever been. Where we are standing is how we are now. Your footprints leaves muddy marks all over the place whilst I tread softly in a way not to disturb the peace. I've learnt the hard way in which this be true. Did you know your prints are only yours to keep and no one can replicate them. In a way that's the hardest thing for us to discover these things can never be erased but will leave a stain of the memory always. I smile knowing this to be both a good and bad thing. Things are never as bad as they seem in a moment your eyes look my way again and that cheeky grin appears on your face, I blink and you are gone again. The taps are dripping but the bath is empty some one left the plug out and now its broken. The chain remains but the plug left this place days ago. I'm counting in case this becomes something that will ma

The edge of other peoples lives

I'm standing on the edge and you are on the other side. It is unclear if you are waiting for me or not. But what is becoming more and more apparent is that we are spending our lives looking for things in the wrong places. You left the party a long time ago and all that remains in the crumpled photo I have kept in my pocket I use least often in a way to keep you at a distance to stop my heart from breaking. I'm good at keeping a distance even if it hurts me secretly to do so. Making a big song and dance has never been the way I do things, if it is right it will come back like that bird who comes and visits daily to sing to me in our garden. The sounds just can not reach others in this way. Its different with us, I can't put my finger on the exact point of what it is, its a feeling that is out there in the air and will never fade. Its simple. We are on the edge of other peoples lives. And your name is painted in big letters all over the places I find myself in. I hope the noi

The remains of everything you left behind

You were gone in the blink of an eye. The bed is messy and empty without you but filled with all our secrets. The mess is everywhere. The remains of everything you left behind are covering the carpet like scars across my face. That hole is still there. Right in the middle. That floorboard, yes you know the one I mean is poking up through like it knows the truth. I hate the look on its face its almost smirking if not laughing at me knowing exactly how these things pan out. The next steps of what I would still be yet to accept. I invited you in and you took everything you could except the bed. Even the trimmings on the shelf and those notebooks no one ever used. It was important to you somehow and my bed is a safety net protecting me from the world but couldn’t protect you. It saved me from you. The passing of time makes these things harder and harder to grasp on to but not so much to forget. Memories are a troublesome thing. Is it me or is it you, who knows what the truth is until its k

Sleeping with a fridge

It is funny somehow, I know you will hardly be able to swallow the truth of the matter. But I will come right out and say it. The nights are cold a bit like death. It's like sleeping with a fridge, a second hand one that no body wants or will tolerate any longer. The edges are hard and difficult to hold. The handle is particularly tricky. You of all people know how much I can't bare the cold. The insides are empty and the door is left ajar like my skin has peeled away and my body has shrivelled up and left out to dry, like your old paintings you no longer care for. You are difficult to grasp and keep falling in between my fingers into the spaces where words fail us. We are left stuck inside the cracks. The past is creeping up on me again like the coldness of the dawn and the flickering and buzz of the fridge is calling out to you. The sounds are getting louder as each minute passes us by and there are less and less things to say. It becomes a promise that remains stuck inside.

All the things yet to come

I can feel them as they call my name softly and under the covers. It appears in ways that seem silly like that look or a small touch or glimmer of a smile. Some hope comes back to me that you are have become you always wanted to be. The dreams you and I had when we were children have come true like it all went exactly as planned. Well we both know that is not true but it went the way we needed it to be for us both to be free.  My washing line has broken and is on its last legs, it buckled under all the weight and you face is different to before and your hair changed colour. Hope is all we need for things to become the way we wanted, the taps have stopped dripping and the mud has been cleared away. I love it when your boots are muddy and you stand there hopping from one foot to the other before you come into the house. Our house is warm and filled with all the things I've always wanted. My second hand furniture is loved by you just as much as me and I feel content at the thought of

Contradictions follow me round

I feel like me but not, That tricky things are attempting to be a way that does not fit. Again there is nothing wrong with the way I was made and formed. This is celebrated by some and shamed by others. The silly parts are there to be enjoyed and kept. Only you know the truth, you are hiding away again and its okay. I have something up my sleeve in order to tempt you. Slowly making your way back out from hiding in the bush. Our childhood memories are whispering in the background and you can hear them ever so softly and they are bringing you back to me. It never has to be mentioned again that you went missing for all these years. you were missing but were always there somehow contradictions follow me round but we know it makes sense in the minds of those that feel. Rocks are crashing wildly against each other and there is a break exactly down the middle. I can hear them whispering ever so softly in the distance, the sounds are pleasing to my bones and I call out to you.

Uncaptured

Untitled document Untitled, unnamed, uncaptured Nurturing slowly, Manifesting slowly but surely then all at once. I wake up calm without any thoughts... The glass is in the distance The reflections are good, what am I saying good is such a word like nice Nice means nothing Words mean nothing and everything at the same time I like being outside and the darkness lurks in the distance or rather just under the surface. The darkness and everything is allowed I want it all and everything. Messy, real and everything in between. The leaves... Boredom leads to this, leads to endless possibilities for you and me I can hear you calling my name as I look back at all the things that are yet to cone. Like waves. The water covers my face and my body enjoys this feeling. My body is back attached to my head again, the way most people are not accustomed to living.

Nothing remains left unsaid

There is always something to be revealed. It's hiding just underneath the surface like a flicker in the wind. We always knew that this would come. It has been waiting getting ready to emerge for all these years. We have been planting seeds waiting for the right time to come. My hair is wild and messy blowing in the breeze just how I like. Things have changed, small, big and all the details in between are moving forward in just the way one would hope. If I were to draw it out it would look exactly the way our shadows look. My face has been revealed and stripped bare not in the obvious way but that part of me that a goodbye was said to a long time ago has come back. It is as though it was never missing and you are wondering how it was possible for me to be without it, like pretending your arm was invisible. I feel it, I feel it all the time. In everything I touch and seek. Lurking in the distance and you take another step forward and I don't look back. Circles are everywhere and

All the rules have been broken

The birthday card expresses the same thing each, those exact same words each and every year. It's been that way since we were small. 33 years! It's funny somehow that a year goes by yet the writing remains exactly the same. Those few words explain everything. Short and sweet, in order, rigid, in the right place, no mistakes, no bumps in the road, no wrinkles, no creases. It's almost like holding your breath. but no body can live like that. It's everything that I don't want to be. I've been contained in a tiny box that I have been spilling over the sides for years. They kept squashing me back in. But now I'm too far down the line. I burst through the sides and its messy and all over the floor. The balloon burst a while ago yes this is true but that box remained in tact tightly around my heart. Now the sides are all broken and I laugh because cardboard and rules were never going to keep me in. Its like an invisible barrier that no one dares to cross. Like the

Where am I?

Its like it's crawling all over my skin. Trying to find its way in. Attempts to bite its way through, but the block will not let it. The block is necessary for now. Too many attempts has left one exhausted and empty at to its core. The sadness comes thick and fast like the realisations. Letting go of it all makes things seem all the more manageable but if things were as easy as that I would click my fingers and you would vanish in an instant, But my dear we all know this is not the way things work. When I go to sleep you are there, when I'm driving in my car you are there. When I'm running relentlessly around the park. I trust myself and know you are there. But where am I?

That's how the light gets in

There is a crack in the wire. That's how the lights get in. I like it somehow, it fills me with a sense of peace. Inside there is peace outside there is chaos. There is always chaos. Its like the way I look is a facade and a distraction away from the truth. Most of the them don't know this, but you do. You always knew everything that needed to be said. We enjoyed it this way, a deeper sense of knowing and looks meant more than we could ever explain in person. It's the way I like life to be, meaningful and there is always something to be curious about. Simple is not something I am able to be. I often wished I could be but secretly I was happy with the way I was. What a surprise after all the this time. Except my hands are empty without you.

In between the spaces where we used to be

We have to say everything was good. I must admit that for a while I let you go in my mind. But secretly I just found different ways to distract myself. My heart never let go. You were a dream come true. My hands reached out for you and it felt like home the moment our eyes made contact. It has always felt that way. The leaves all fell off the tree and gave no sign of coming back. One by one, they just took up and left. The black hole got bigger and bigger until it suddenly decided to swallow me whole. My hands had no choice and couldn't hold on any longer. I often send you thoughts along the way down the invisible wires that are between the spaces where we used to be.  There are so many these days. I'm somewhere in the middle of where you are and where I used to be. My secrets are hoping their way back to you across the waves on the empty streets. They will reach you, they know this for certain. What they will find upon their arrival it was scares me the most. They hope its the

The way we used to be

It is funny somehow. The way we used to be. The bell is ringing constantly in the background or is it foreground. I'm not sure that the leaves will stop falling, or is it that they stopped falling months ago. You only just realised that this was the truth. The truth is something that is hard to accept but that never hides its self. It is showing up in all its glory. It is only us that try to hide our faces away from the things we know to be true. My hand reaches out and the emptiness if staring me right in the face. My face looks strange in the mirror again, you look strange in my mirror, again. It's like it's you but I'm in a dream and can not actually touch you. There are many miles between you and me. But you will always been in my dreams and I will keep you safe there and tend to your needs as much as I can. You are always safe and always free. This is our understanding and what makes us different to the rest.  I knew you would be free without me. And this is the wa

The sadness remains

The clock has stopped ticking, I fell asleep somewhere along the line. I heard nothing and saw only the things that were difficult to pass by. These times are ringing in my ear and hiding all of the good stuff. The things that only you and me shared the things that are not easy for others to understand. It a complicated situation but as simple as anything could ever be. That's the thing we always found funny. We would laugh and trace the sadness with our hands as though it would flicker away in the blink of an eye. The water would wash everything away but the sadness remains. It's tapping on the window like a little bird and it's hiding in the cupboard,  the one you always hid everything in to appear as though you had it all together. Putting on a front is the thing I dislike about you most. But my darling the truth will always remain. Raw and honest is just what I like. Call out to me once you let all the things go and the facade has crumbled into the abyss.

That's what I like about you most

My heart is beating fast like I know what is about to happen. I wait and then nothing. Still I wait hoping to capture that beautiful smile of yours and those twinkly eyes once again. I hope that they will look my way once again. I live in hope and truth be told that's not a bad way to live. My days are filled with yearning but I know one day the waiting will pay off and we will hold hands under the covers once again and I will be the reason you smile again. Others are still worthy and we acknowledge them and give them enough to allow them to be free and find their own. But I'm not so secretly glad they are not for you and I will whisper silly things in your ear and we will know that this is what we have always dreamed of.   I sent a leaf down the river and underneath there was a note in our secret language. It's on it's way to you and I will kiss it the way I kissed those pains away, each and every time you grazed your knee. You're just as clumsy as me and I li

I'm holding my breath to avoid the disappointment

I'm sat on the swing from our childhood garden and I can feel everything pass me by. My body hurts and so does my heart. It's like the feeling of holding your breath to avoid the disappointment. Nothing is happening. Like time has stood still and it ceases to matter. The photographs tell stories that we have long since forgotten, the memories got lost along the way. But all of those photographs are hidden for now at least. It hurts to look at them and remember when we were happy. Avoiding things never works, it always finds a way to catch up with you in the end no matter how good you hide. The cupboard under the stairs was one of my favourite hiding places until that day when everything changed. I gave up all my hiding places and told you all my secrets. but now you are listening to someone else's hidden moments. Nothing can replace the times we shared but I know this for sure, I leave notes in all the places I've been, one day they will be found and I will be like the

Time just stops without you in it

Dust is covering everything that I know to be true. It is like powder covering my face and my eyes glisten through it. You can see me clearly as though it doesn’t matter what happens you are able to reach me. It is always you. The impossible feat of things it’s never too much for you. You take it in your stride and walk around like the ground carries you into the water. I’m also wading through trying to keep afloat just to be next to you. Then something happened and you stop seeing me the way you used to. I can’t seem to put my finger on what changed but I will never forget that moment but I  felt it strongly and I could hardly breathe. I tried to stop it from happening but I knew the truth, we kept holding on for a few more moments but you were gone. I could feel it in my bones. The water was up to my ankles and now it’s to my knees. In the next breath it will cover me whole. And now I’m gone and you are still walking seamlessly in the breeze. Life has always been good for you. I try

I will discover all those things that I have long since forgotten

It's funny I guess, you know it deep down but you try to avoid it as much as you can. I tried, I really did try and I can't get you out of my head or is it my heart? My heart is calling out for you but you already set sail, you swam down the river a long time ago. and I'm sad, sad to accept these things that I know to be true. You have no place for me any longer. I point my toes and try to touch the surface of all the things that past us by. I hold on to a my secret wish that I will discover all those things that I have long since forgotten. My feet always did like discovering the parts we always used to hide. I feel comfortable and safe without a care in the world. My drawers are filled to the brim with secrets I have told and saved over the years, one day you will discover them but maybe it will be too late. Time has a funny way of testing us to see if we are ready to take the plunge. Did courage find you along those cobbled streets? Are you ready yet? I've been wait

Exactly where I need to be

The children are running around our feet again.  Laughing like they always do. You know as much as me. This makes things simple in a way that I like. Its like you have the magic touch and they flock to you because they can feel that its right. They sense they things I've known along, even though they were  covered in cobwebs and looked more like battle scars. I could see what was underneath from the start.  The pain is growing deeper the more you have. I want more but I'm afraid to ask in case I get thrown away like some one’s old shoe. Or find myself in the deep end, struggling to see above the surface. I touch that familiar place and wish it was me rather than you. Patience has never been some thing I have ever particularly liked to be. For me this is different. I am different and sometimes I shock myself at who I have become. You might even walk past me and miss it all. But then you always wanted me to be a certain way and now I’ve broken through and sad it may be. I can'

Just because

There is nothing like this. My dreams have been chasing you for quite some time and they have caught up. One of these days my scar will be covered with this feeling. The waves are hitting the sides of everything I know to be true. My face is hurting from the constant thrashing but I know it will be okay. This seems like a shock to the system. It doesn't mean what you think, it never does. There is always something hidden lurking underneath the surface but that's okay. I can feel the cold air fill my lungs and my chest feels like it could burst. It is over flowing with things that have been in my dreams long before this moment. I'm not sure if you have discovered it but it is on the periphery, well it has been for a while now. There is no escaping this. The water is running deep through my veins. We can see what's underneath. I've never been one for superficial things and neither have you. We will run hand in hand into the water and you will be by my side and we wil

Ornaments in the living room

It is alright, it's alright. I feel it in my bones. You succumbed your self to the same old ways. Temptation got the better of you I see. Which makes sense to me, you haven't changed enough to see what everyone else can.  But that's okay, one day you will learn the things and you will be free. Maybe you will be old and grey but they won't mind. Letting it all go like throwing the dirty dish water down the drain. I never did understand the hold it had over you. But then I'm different to most and I like that. Looking the same never did appeal to minds such as mine. My mind is seeking the deeper way of life, the one in which everything becomes clear like when you polish the ornaments in the living room. I remember that year when I fell into the pond in our garden straight into the dead fish that was floating on the surface. I was so scared but you were there the whole time and holding my hand. Never let it go and we will be together in the darkness.