The dust settles in my mind

Here and there. You are hear and I am there. We are neither here or there. The places you exist are in my mind only. It seems true as always but I know the secrets are building up again and like jenga we will topple over and come crashing down. Once  you realise you cant hold then any longer. The truth always emerges when the time is right. Lies can only get you so far especially the ones you tell yourself. What are you hiding from? Nothing is too be we can not handle but know this is for the braves ones. You my dear are not. Its just the way it is. Honesty is truly the words we all seek but not all can become. Questions are left unanswered as another day fades away. You do not belong here, it is dark again...

I’m sitting in the middle of what we want. We are whispering again. It is the place where we have been before. We tried to knock on the door yet we kept looking the other way. I decided to do it differently. I looked right at you. In all the places we have lived we have left a part of ourselves in them all. I’m surprised that we are whispering again and excited about the possibilities. I am smiling as I see you. I like seeing you. The feeling of safety has been there from the start and this is different to the rest. I can hear the laughter from upstairs and know the children are with you. We are holding each other enough to allow everything we want. I will never stop allowing you to be you. This is like the time that leaf dropped on the windowsill and stayed until its times was up. We are whispering again and sharing secrets we never tell anyone else. I like whispering with you

There is always a sense that we are bigger than this. I'm holding my hand out. Will you ever reach me when we decide that this is over. What do the words that we do not speak say? I am always left wondering. We are entering the abyss and I am liking this more than before. I tell them secrets but also tell you. What is it we keep to ourselves. I know you are thinking of me, I feel it in bones. I am hearing in a way I never heard before. The sounds are different. We are different, they are different. Everything is different yet the same. I know honesty is what you like but do you like me? I'm thinking we can make it through this

Things such as these are going on underneath the surface. it may seem obvious or a way of repelling others. Don't look at me, but then do look at me. I am a contradiction, the very thing I want is on the other side of what we know to be possible. I am hanging on but hanging off also. I can see the trees from outside my window, they sway with the breeze but are grounded in a way I wish to be. I am calling you but you don't understand the language that I speak. Will it always be this way? A sense of connection is what we are seeking but we are looking for it in the wrong places. I am underground and you are in the garage, hiding away from the world in an attempt that the truth will come out again in the wash. I look the other way to try to unsee all the things that have come our way but all that happens is my mind is filled with everything I don't want to think of. I am hoping you are finding a way out that heals rather than hurts. Turn your phone off and look at me, let'

I am living in a bubble, behind the bubble and in front of the bubble at the same time. Holding up my hands and trying to break the glass. Can you hear me? Trying to be understood but falling upon deaf ears. Its hard to explain. Its hard to accept. It is hard for you to see me as I am without colouring me with all of your own perceptions and views on how you see things to be. I wish you well, I wish them all well. I wish you could hear me. I am drowning will you catch me before its too late to swim. Call my name, call it again and brush my hair way from my face in a way I feel you are really there. You made it back to me when things became harder that we ever planned. I will always remember the ones who stood by me in the end when it seems like no one could handle the truth. The truth is clawing at my neck again and I wish it would stop just for a moment to give me a breather to take it all in to allow some space for us to be the way we were before we knew of this.

I am falling in and out of what we used to be. This change is permanent you see, who knew we could be this way, together yet separate. Like a bird singing softly as it perches outside my window. But wait...I am dancing in the kitchen late at night secretly so no one can see me. I am free in a way I could never have been before. You are calling me, calling me, calling me, calling me and I don't answer. I pretend I can't hear you anymore like when I was 5 and lied to the hearing specialists because I wanted it to be my secret. I used to pretend I couldn't hear them when secretly I had gone into my own world. My body remained on the earth but I, the real me was somewhere else. Always somewhere else. somewhere safe where only you and me can be. We are whispering which is my favourite thing to do and hiding out underneath the bed. 

We are choosing all the things we want. We don't have to do what they say any more, no more following the rules and pretending. I was always pretending to be real but was never really there. I am holding your hand and can smell the sea air. I love certain smells, like the smell after it rains on a summers evening it brings me back to you. I am always running back to you or is it me? We are the same but somehow not the same. Contradictions are what we have always known. I am going back to the dusky road where we met in a truck going nowhere on a late summer evening years before. It was so hot but we didn't mind the breeze and the laughter kept us sane.  I will wait for you there to see if once more we can begin again as though it was the first time. I call your name and then I wake up. Dreams bring us back together but I know you are no longer here anymore but I can always find you in my dreams. You are safe in there until I return again. 

I need moments in between the moments of our lives to catch up, to breathe, to think, to understand, to pause, to take stock, to just be. To not give everything away but to give to me for a moment. I always abandon myself rather than the others. I now choose me over and over in every life time. It is a risk I am willing to take, to delve into the the night and place my focus there. I am covering my ears and I can't hear you anymore. Will you still love me when I am gone or will you wait for me to return to you again? Either way I am risking it all as there is nothing more beautiful than this, living in freedom. My greatest weakness comes wrapped up as a gift from the wilderness. I run around with my shoes in my hands and I throw them one by one into the sea. I have returned to the truth and my hands of holding on lightly to everything and we sit and we whisper into the dark. The part of me that was cut away has recently been found discovered and covered in mud. I find you there als

I am sitting still and I am waiting. We are here but also there. In fact we are everywhere. I am slipping through the photos of the ones from the past. Each one brought me to something new and I am thankful. The bath has started leaking again into the floorboard where we left the wine glasses from a few days ago. The little ones are calling for us again and we are pretending to hide in ways that they can always find us. They are laughing as are we. We are always laughing. I am running in my mind but know I'm safe with you. I have always been safe with you. That's why I know you feel it too as you don't play the games all the others do. We didn't want it to happen but we fell down the crack in the floorboard, that one with a creak no matter how lightly we tread. Somehow this was happening way before either of us knew. In a place before time began.

We were connected by the roots of the tree. In all things I see what was never there before. Whispering into it all it sneaks into everything in a good way. Holding this and opening the gate that you fixed a long time ago. We are welcoming in something new and we are laughing as we always do right before we know what is happening. It emerges like the tidal wave in the sea. Our sea where no one else can reach us except those little ones that are holding us tight. They came to save us and bring us back to each other. The roots have intertwined and this is where we are meant to be. Our cottage over looks the landscape and the land that surrounds us keeps us safe and whispers to us softly as we make our work ready to show the world. We sit and read our books in the bath. You were there before I knew who you were, we have always been connected in this lifetime and the next. We sing our favourite lullaby and empty the bath.

I am my own obstacle. I fear and retreat once you appear to emerge from the depths of the sea. Dark storms are hiding in the wings. The stage provides comfort, a sense of safety we all need. I am seeing and hearing as if for the first time. The level of acceptance has no bounds. The call is coming, whispering ever so softly and I invite you in. This is different in a way I like. Trusting the wind will bring us where we need to be

A new beginning, and ending of sorts. I am thinking and living within my dreams, they are speaking to me in the distance. It is always the distance. Is this the end or shall we keep on going? I am going to keep going, we need to pull through this together. We are singing from the same hymn sheet. I know its true. The times are hard but we have each other. We smile knowing we are connected beyond the obvious. I am running down the street and laughing as I feel the breeze brush past me like it is encouraging me to keep on moving forward. We moved house at exactly the right moment. Our garden overlooks everything we always wanted. I am so glad we choice this space. We chose this, we chose us, we chose her. She is part of us and we have lived multiple lifetimes together in our little bubble. You are in mine and I am in yours. Kisses land softly and I brush my my hair way from my face and look up into your eyes. This is all there is

I am free. I am feeling in all sorts of ways. Some would not notice that anythings changes. The work is inside. You have arrived and are sitting out back. Its okay I can wear what I want and you just embrace it. We see things as they really are. This is important to us both. The need for running in the woods that surrounds our house. We moved here on a whim and its perfect for everything we need. Its our childhood dream even though we did not know each other back then. I am standing on one foot until you return again the children are laughing and we know we made it. We are exactly as we need to be. Holding each other enough for us to be free. Its simple but not everyone understands. The mystery is all around us and nowhere to be found. Come back home and sing to us. It begins again

I have found a way that makes it possible. The hook on the wall captures your attention just long enough to distract your attention inwards. I am not in need. The secrets are not knocking at my door because they have been allowed a place to sit on my mantle piece. I am sleeping soundly. all the nights are long but warm with this knowing. I am in the knowing and it tastes sweet to know you are in on it too. We have our secrets in a way the others don't. I am holding you in mind when I think, It is often I think of you but in a way that is different somehow. I am feeling the breeze on my skin as I sit outdoors and welcome the dawn. I welcome you in and welcome you out.

I am breathing you in and letting it go. The things that no longer serve us are trying to distract us in a way that is easy. I have come to know these things are not the way they seem. The dreams have started again. You are there but I know you are also somewhere else. Is it possible to have a dual existence. We are the good people. Monster don't come knocking at our door anymore. They have left us in a way that seems fair. I can see the water in the distance and every time I think I am getting closer I realise I am in exactly the same place but somehow I have moved forward with you.

We have lost the birds. It has been leading to this moment in a way no one could imagine. We are here but you are there, we can see you, we can reach out to you but we can not touch any longer. This is the way it happens in dreams. Every step you get closer it is moves further and further away and you never actually make it there. I have closed my eyes and I am whispering into distance. You will find me one day amongst the trees I have moved far away for the life we lived together. I think its best for us now. I send you love across the border but know we will be together maybe in the next life.

I am living in between the story of our lives. I haven't quite made it yet. The things in which we cannot see are calling us again and we are being pulled further towards everything that is true. Its a feeling of a deeper knowing. We are turning everything around and I am on the fence. It is a place I know quite well. I lost a shoe over one side and threw the other one just so they has each other for company. I decided it would be better to leave them behind. I am choosing you over them. I am free of all that no longer needs me. Hold me in between the moments of our lives. These are the ones I dream of. We are in it now. Our connections allow us to reach far and wide. I am knocking on the door hoping you will be on the other side. I have been waiting till the right moment to tell you, but as we all know patience it not something that comes easy for me. I will be brave and share my secrets but only with you.

Our dreams deserve to be heard? From all angles it makes sense from the pit of my inner knowing. I can feel it down deep deep down. Sometimes it is hidden by many things that you would least expect to be down there. Its like a magicians trick, sometimes you can not believe your eyes. It is often the things that appear so easily and obvious that are hiding the truth. I don't like hiding any more. I am not one to do these things that cause me pain. I am sad to see you haven't made it this far but I wish you well and see you from afar. Wishing wells are marvellous  things I look down and see someone else's face reflecting back at me. It is  a dream that has gone too far. I am in the distance waiting patiently to be seen and heard again 

We think we are alone. We are not, we never are alone as we think we are. If you speak up and share your calling the birds will come and save you. Even if your wings are clipped they can't stop us now. The bandages have come undone and things have been ripped apart for you to emerge and return to you again. I have always wanted you that way. Just as you are, there is no need for you to be anyone but you. That's what makes this life so worthwhile we are wonderful just the way we are. I can hear the birds they have found us in the distance and no one else is around to see we are being revealed once again. We are smiling at each other and give each other a wink and know this is true. My hand finds it way to you under the cover and I hear your breath and we sleep soundly once again.

I am moving from one thing to another and you are there in the background. I not sure if it is real anymore. This sense of things is funny somehow. Today marks a day which we will never have again but I will remember I was brave. This is important to me now. There will be more on this in days that are yet to happen. Doing the things I have always wanted without checking to see if they are looking. There are things that we do and that change all the things we don't. There is always a choice and then another. We are never stuck and my arms reach out and I grasp the truth. I hear the breeze in the distant. Its getting closer and so are you. I am waiting in the place where you left me way back when. As within, so without

I am in the place where I knew it would happen one day. There is silence all around us and the streets are empty apart from the names of people that have gone by. We wish them well and thank them. We move on, but we are different now. What went before is distant memory now. Echos fill up the room and fade just as fast. Silence becomes everything that we know. It is peaceful here. I can reach out and know you are there. We have waited all our lives for this moment back before we met many times. Lifetime after lifetime I choose you and never will let you down. It is important in times such as these we have each other all over again. I feel joyful in a way you will never know. This is it, lets dive right in and never look back 

I am here and nowhere to be found. Everywhere and no where. These contractions are what follow us around like a shadow we don't want to see so we keep looking the other way. You are on the side of her and I can't face you anymore. My voice can not be heard. I am invisible. My face is glowing these days. I am reaching out to the ones who know the truth. These days are saving me like the patterns I used to trace along your face. I can no longer remember the way you were before. The loneliness doesn't knock at my door any longer and joy fills my heart. These days treat me well. In a way that no one believed was possible. I always believed and held out hope it would come. This ones for me.

My head is an animal. Hiding all the scars. Layers upon layers. There are so many. Necessary some would say others would beg to differ. I growl, bark, shout and scream. But you can't hear me anymore. A silent scream covers the pain. But its there loud and clear and its getting worse. My head is an animal and you are holding it tightly in all the right places. Loosen your grip i'm slipping away from you. My head is an animal and I want for you to be free. My hands are reaching out but I just can't seem to find you. My head is an animal and I am free.

Starting over in an attempt to find you again. The loneliness takes cover. My ears are ringing again and I can't hear you anymore. I am out at sea and nothing is reaching me. I have to remain strong and make my way back to you. I will overcome these things that hold me back and return new and fresh in a way I think you will like. I know you have stopped thinking of me often, this saddens my heart more than most.  I can feel it in my bones that you no longer look at me in the same way. The way you are facing seems to be coming up against everything I thought would keep us together. I am holding on for one last time. Kiss me under the covers and lets hide like we used to do. I will hide your name and pretend we are not who we are supposed to be. This is music to my ears. I will catch you when you fall and be waiting for you always at the bottom or is it top? Come back to me and whisper our secret code or send it across the sea. The boats has stopped coming and turned to face someone

I am leaning in more and we are moving into something. This is learning all the same. I have all the words and none at all. The spaces are being filled with the things I like. You are in my dreams again, visiting me again like before. We are always as we were back before time began and you knew me well. The string connects everything as we weave in and out of the places of our lives. We will meet again when the time is right. Time is always on our side like the stars. You are always in between these things. The sand slips through my fingers as we become more than the life we had when no one knew our names. It keeps us grounded and we wish them well.