The dust settles in my mind

When they cut half of me away. It felt like the right thing to do. I was reluctant at first but then I let go. I gave in somehow. It was necessary. It was what I knew deep down the thing to do. The right thing. To give me some space away from it all. To see things how they really are rather than constantly distracting myself. You know its actually easily done. My mind is like a secret warrior trying to fight it all. Fight those imaginary monsters under my bed the ones I thought were there when I was 5. They are important to me less so now. Right or wrong its just the way it is. My jaw is tense from all the fighting. I fight,  I kick and I scream  just not in the way one would think but hidden in my dreams. Its hidden away and you can't see it. No one can. Well I say no one, the ones that matter the most can see it as though it  was placed upon a giant billboard with flashing neon lights advertising my deepest darkest secrets. But that's okay. I don't mind letting them

Its never simple. Always so many thoughts trying to distract me. Then its the one that is relentless. Its her. Why can I not just let it go as though its some how relevant. My hands can't grasp the feeling. Its running away from me. Its always out of reach. Its not important enough to give it any weight. Just run away to the circus with me and see better days are yet to come

That word. That time. You me and a big jack in a box or was it a pirate ship? I can't quite remember but I know how it felt. I always know how it feels. I can never escape the feelings. Some people can easily block it away. Well I've been running my whole life and now there are no distractions and I have to face myself. The balloon has burst and its messy like that game on fun house. We used to watch it religiously when we were kids and you always wanted to be one of the twins and I wanted to be Pat Sharp. I don't know why but it just made sense somehow in my mind. It must have been his 80s mullet or bad choice of clothes. But we don't live on the same street anymore and all those things I use to hate I'm starting to fall in love with. I'm clinging on to them and trying to get back to before. I've lost a part of myself and I'm slowly turning into something else. It's okay. Im used to it now. Quick give me back my balloon I need to cover my face.

Its never the same when I'm with you. That smile I can't resist. I can't get enough. You feed me berries as though they are medicine for my insides. You are always bringing presents not like actual physical things but gifts from.another place. From another life I've never known. Its feels good. Its feels safe with you. I dont want this to ever end. I can't liken the feeling to anything else. I brush my hair and wipe your mouth. Its beautiful being with you. The insides of me are the same as the inner of you. We look different but we are the same. It works. Its plain and simple. But there is nothing plain and simple about you. I like the fact I can make jokes and hide my face away from you. My smile is showing beyond this place. My smile is big enough for those to see who are not able to reach it.