Thoughts that do not suit any one to have

My brain is sick filled with thoughts that do not suit any one to have. They have been festering and rotting away for days or is it years? I can’t quite remember. It all a bit of a blur, time passes and no one is listening. But let’s be clear about this. I feel a whisper would be more fitting. It's been centuries! Wow, how old do I feel now but it’s more precise this way.

I've had the privilege of their company in many different situations and places. They have travelled with me to primary school especially on that day, when I dressed up as Beethoven, the dog that is not the composer, most days in the supermarket especially when I was living in London and what you have in your basket is as important as what clothes you decided to dress your body in that day, auditions, rehearsals, drama classes at university in fact every part of what I love about the theatre they are there waving and smiling at me, on the bus yes that simple place to take you from A to B and they turn it into a nightmare box of wheels where everyone is evil, in my lovers bed at 2a.m, they have even joined me on the 12 hour flight to South Africa with the love birds talking each other to death in the neighbouring seat.

You see, I can't shake them off.  They are like leeches that crawl into your bed and make themselves at home without the slightest apology. A bit like when you first get to the beach and within 20 seconds sand has managed to find its way into every possible place. It even manages to jump inside your bag. Sand has this wonderful way of un-apologetically getting everywhere.

Well it's not that I want them, I've tried ignoring them. That makes them needier and they start to get louder and louder like a little child having a tantrum when he can't get his own way. I've tried listening which makes the world seem like it's not the same anymore and becomes some where I don't fancy hanging out long term. I also tried acknowledging their existence and saying thank you. They just smirk at your naivety.

No, that's not the answer.

 Now I'm welcoming them in. Hello! I shout. I'm here, waiting! Come and get me. It's fine. I say. I'm happy to have you here. Take your shoes off make yourself at home. You're welcome here. The funny thing is they don't like being liked. It’s like when someone is angry and is trying to take it out on the rest of the world. Like in the form of road rage for example and they can't stand you responding with anything remotely considered nice. They can't handle it. It doesn't give them the reaction they are looking for which is to bring you down in their misery. My favourite experience of this is when a guy made a mistake and drove out of a junction nearly hitting my car. His response was to do the wanker sign at me. I simply smiled and drove off into the distance. Clearly he is not a fan of taking ownership of his own mistakes.

So they come and visit less and less these days and the more I share the less they take over. It's funny somehow. Who would have thought that it was that simple?

There is more to come but that's enough for now!