The dust settles in my mind

The air is getting clearer each and every day. I always like days like today. I woke up late and sat beside the open window. The breeze is caressing my face I can hear distance sounds of children playing. I feel free like no one is needing or wanting any thing from me. This feels good like when I dip my hand deep into the sand. Its my secret. The breeze is warm and I'm walking bare foot down the path that leads to where you are. You are always there standing waiting with a big grin on your face. You make your way to that swing we both love and we laugh out loud like children. I could stay here for hours singing lullaby's into the well hoping our dreams and secrets reach the bottom and are safe there. I always wanted to reach the bottom but its too far down and your arms are not long enough to reach and neither are mine. I try with my foot and point my toes but that doesn't work either. You hold your wet hand out to touch my hair but I'm already climbing that old tree we...

I open it up and it all comes flooding back. I'm sorry I left you for so long. But you are not what I thought. You were here waiting patiently for me to realise that this will never go away. My mind is filled with ideas again and its so simple once I allow myself the time to indulge. I will be back more often that is what I promise. But for now lets enjoy the feeling of the rain falling on my face ever so softly. I love dancing in the rain. Its that feeling that I can't describe. Its too good to be true and so are you. Its dripping down my neck and down my spine. I wish for all the things I see in my dreams to come back to me once again. And I'm running, running towards all that is good for me. Its happening its really really happening. A smile creeps in and you turn away.

There is a block again. I'm not sure if its because everywhere I turn there you are.Your face is one I can't seem to forget. Its a little sad since its not a good thing. I wish it was and I wish you would let me go and leave me to move forward but that's where me and you are different. The leaves and plants speak loudly they know the truth and I'm okay with that. I'm letting you go little one, sorry that you could never get what you wanted but that's not up to me provide. You my dear must provide that for yourself.  Some shocking news that shakes one to the core. I'm sure once all the dust has settled and my hands have stopped shaking one will forget your name again like so many times before. I even laugh a little because it is that easy for me no matter what is said I know that it simply does not make the slightest bit of difference. Maybe its time to jump in the water, wearing all our clothes and smile out to the horizon. With that feeling and that knowing...

It all is happening once and I stop fighting. Once I allowed the birds to sing and the trees to sway in the breeze. I can't even hear them anymore I'm so far away in my mind that it doesn't bother me so much these days. It all feels like some weird dream. The voices have quietened down and I can see clearly in the space where the fog used to be. The name of you is playing on my mind but I allow it to wash over me like I'm proud to be here. I would even go as far as to say I am. Not in that arrogant way which you always thought but in that humble little way quietly whispering that it's okay and the space becomes bigger and I can feel myself loosen my grip. Even my jaw has ceased to clench. It gets bigger and better as the seconds tick by. I'm going to jump right in sooner or later, just watch me. The world will catch me and you will be waiting behind the scenes...

There is a sense of relief, walking through the empty spaces. There are so many things I can do, no one can see me and I am free. I have a mission and you are not the one to know what these things are for me to do. My fingers are numb and want to break free. The mark on my wrist gives me an edge. I don't know what it is. I always like the marks and things that are worn in. The box is too small for me now, I've broken through the edges and its feels strange but in a good way like something new is happening and I like it. I like the taste of things that are yet to come. The unknown is exciting and revealing something that nobody can capture. I like things to be left to there own devices. So much can happen in this unknown space. Its where dreams are made. That dream I had when I was 5 that kept repeating itself and there was a cat in my garden that refuses to leave. I tried to chase him but he somehow managed to get away but still stay in the garden. It makes no sense in that way...

The scratch on my wrist is all the way across the front and even around the back. It's strange that it looks like a constellation somehow. I never heard that word so much since moving to this place. Words lose their meaning and turn into something else. Isn't it that everything turns into something else? Theses days my voice stands out like a sore thumb but I like it somehow. I've always liked being different to the rest. Where is the fun in being the same? The same as the next person, the same as that man who lives 5 streets away, the same as her. Well I guess we are all different in our own ways. I like the quirks and funny things that are not the same as the rest. My fingers are numb from the cold and I want to hold on to this a little longer but my grip is getting looser by the second and then it happens. I drop it all in the water and you are no where to be seen. Where are the things that happened in times gone by? Somehow it changed when you said that word. We all hav...

The trees are blowing in the wind and all I can see is you. I grab your hand and we sing that song that no one else knows. We speak of things that are not for others ears. I am waiting patiently with my shoes in my hand. I know you are there hiding, waiting it out. My tea is getting cold and my hand is reaching out for you in the middle of the night. I want for all these things but they are not for me. Not yet, the time will come when things will be right. I'm sorry you always said things that to me are not true. Me and you are different  you see. I'm like a stone and you are like a pebble. We may look similar but we want for a different way of life. The darkness is calling my name like that way it used to and sometimes it catches me and others I manage to slip away, like the way sand runs through my fingers. Honesty is something that doesn't come easy but I don't want to live my whole life as a lie or some half truth that one day felt right and now some how it doesn...