The dust settles in my mind

I’m sitting in the middle of what we want. We are whispering again. It is the place where we have been before. We tried to knock on the door yet we kept looking the other way. I decided to do it differently. I looked right at you. In all the places we have lived we have left a part of ourselves in them all. I’m surprised that we are whispering again and excited about the possibilities. I am smiling as I see you. I like seeing you. The feeling of safety has been there from the start and this is different to the rest. I can hear the laughter from upstairs and know the children are with you. We are holding each other enough to allow everything we want. I will never stop allowing you to be you. This is like the time that leaf dropped on the windowsill and stayed until its times was up. We are whispering again and sharing secrets we never tell anyone else. I like whispering with you

There is always a sense that we are bigger than this. I'm holding my hand out. Will you ever reach me when we decide that this is over. What do the words that we do not speak say? I am always left wondering. We are entering the abyss and I am liking this more than before. I tell them secrets but also tell you. What is it we keep to ourselves. I know you are thinking of me, I feel it in bones. I am hearing in a way I never heard before. The sounds are different. We are different, they are different. Everything is different yet the same. I know honesty is what you like but do you like me? I'm thinking we can make it through this

Things such as these are going on underneath the surface. it may seem obvious or a way of repelling others. Don't look at me, but then do look at me. I am a contradiction, the very thing I want is on the other side of what we know to be possible. I am hanging on but hanging off also. I can see the trees from outside my window, they sway with the breeze but are grounded in a way I wish to be. I am calling you but you don't understand the language that I speak. Will it always be this way? A sense of connection is what we are seeking but we are looking for it in the wrong places. I am underground and you are in the garage, hiding away from the world in an attempt that the truth will come out again in the wash. I look the other way to try to unsee all the things that have come our way but all that happens is my mind is filled with everything I don't want to think of. I am hoping you are finding a way out that heals rather than hurts. Turn your phone off and look at me, let'...

I am living in a bubble, behind the bubble and in front of the bubble at the same time. Holding up my hands and trying to break the glass. Can you hear me? Trying to be understood but falling upon deaf ears. Its hard to explain. Its hard to accept. It is hard for you to see me as I am without colouring me with all of your own perceptions and views on how you see things to be. I wish you well, I wish them all well. I wish you could hear me. I am drowning will you catch me before its too late to swim. Call my name, call it again and brush my hair way from my face in a way I feel you are really there. You made it back to me when things became harder that we ever planned. I will always remember the ones who stood by me in the end when it seems like no one could handle the truth. The truth is clawing at my neck again and I wish it would stop just for a moment to give me a breather to take it all in to allow some space for us to be the way we were before we knew of this.

I am falling in and out of what we used to be. This change is permanent you see, who knew we could be this way, together yet separate. Like a bird singing softly as it perches outside my window. But wait...I am dancing in the kitchen late at night secretly so no one can see me. I am free in a way I could never have been before. You are calling me, calling me, calling me, calling me and I don't answer. I pretend I can't hear you anymore like when I was 5 and lied to the hearing specialists because I wanted it to be my secret. I used to pretend I couldn't hear them when secretly I had gone into my own world. My body remained on the earth but I, the real me was somewhere else. Always somewhere else. somewhere safe where only you and me can be. We are whispering which is my favourite thing to do and hiding out underneath the bed. 

We are choosing all the things we want. We don't have to do what they say any more, no more following the rules and pretending. I was always pretending to be real but was never really there. I am holding your hand and can smell the sea air. I love certain smells, like the smell after it rains on a summers evening it brings me back to you. I am always running back to you or is it me? We are the same but somehow not the same. Contradictions are what we have always known. I am going back to the dusky road where we met in a truck going nowhere on a late summer evening years before. It was so hot but we didn't mind the breeze and the laughter kept us sane.  I will wait for you there to see if once more we can begin again as though it was the first time. I call your name and then I wake up. Dreams bring us back together but I know you are no longer here anymore but I can always find you in my dreams. You are safe in there until I return again. 

I need moments in between the moments of our lives to catch up, to breathe, to think, to understand, to pause, to take stock, to just be. To not give everything away but to give to me for a moment. I always abandon myself rather than the others. I now choose me over and over in every life time. It is a risk I am willing to take, to delve into the the night and place my focus there. I am covering my ears and I can't hear you anymore. Will you still love me when I am gone or will you wait for me to return to you again? Either way I am risking it all as there is nothing more beautiful than this, living in freedom. My greatest weakness comes wrapped up as a gift from the wilderness. I run around with my shoes in my hands and I throw them one by one into the sea. I have returned to the truth and my hands of holding on lightly to everything and we sit and we whisper into the dark. The part of me that was cut away has recently been found discovered and covered in mud. I find you there als...