The dust settles in my mind

It happened so fast. I wasn't sure somehow at first but then I was certain. You seemed different. The leaves were falling off their branches and I was running away from you. I almost managed it then you caught me.  That was years ago and now we are grey and old. My face has wrinkles and I finally look my age. Some how the years caught up with me in the end. But it's better this way. I like it better than before. I'm more myself than I ever was without the wrinkles and all the scars. They cover my body like tattoos. You trace them with your fingers and push your glasses up your nose. I'm wringing out the old cloth to wipe the mess that was left behind. Your voice is getting quieter and quieter until one day it stops and I'm left with the space where you used to be. I'm always leaving and never arriving. You are always arriving and never leaving. One day my darling we will be together again for now in my dreams will have to do. I hold your glasses in my hand and f...

There is a knot in the wire. You think that is so easy to undo it but my darling you are wrong. It's not as easy as it used to be. Things are getting harder and harder these days. There are the times when things are falling out of my window and I want to try and stop them but it’s no use. The are always out of reach and falling.  It hurts but its the truth. The truth is banging on the window like a bird who will not stop singing in my ear. My ears are hurting from all of the chaos that surrounds us. It's there and nothing can break it down. My socks are wet again, I always walk in the puddles no matter how many times or whatever I do to try to dodge them, it happens. I'm used to it now. I like being barefoot and walking around like nothing matters. I can feel the mud in between my toes and you are smiling as though somehow this is the funniest thing you have ever seen. The chaos is calling my name again and I'm running down the street and I almost make it out of s...

The air is getting clearer each and every day. I always like days like today. I woke up late and sat beside the open window. The breeze is caressing my face I can hear distance sounds of children playing. I feel free like no one is needing or wanting any thing from me. This feels good like when I dip my hand deep into the sand. Its my secret. The breeze is warm and I'm walking bare foot down the path that leads to where you are. You are always there standing waiting with a big grin on your face. You make your way to that swing we both love and we laugh out loud like children. I could stay here for hours singing lullaby's into the well hoping our dreams and secrets reach the bottom and are safe there. I always wanted to reach the bottom but its too far down and your arms are not long enough to reach and neither are mine. I try with my foot and point my toes but that doesn't work either. You hold your wet hand out to touch my hair but I'm already climbing that old tree we...

I open it up and it all comes flooding back. I'm sorry I left you for so long. But you are not what I thought. You were here waiting patiently for me to realise that this will never go away. My mind is filled with ideas again and its so simple once I allow myself the time to indulge. I will be back more often that is what I promise. But for now lets enjoy the feeling of the rain falling on my face ever so softly. I love dancing in the rain. Its that feeling that I can't describe. Its too good to be true and so are you. Its dripping down my neck and down my spine. I wish for all the things I see in my dreams to come back to me once again. And I'm running, running towards all that is good for me. Its happening its really really happening. A smile creeps in and you turn away.

There is a block again. I'm not sure if its because everywhere I turn there you are.Your face is one I can't seem to forget. Its a little sad since its not a good thing. I wish it was and I wish you would let me go and leave me to move forward but that's where me and you are different. The leaves and plants speak loudly they know the truth and I'm okay with that. I'm letting you go little one, sorry that you could never get what you wanted but that's not up to me provide. You my dear must provide that for yourself.  Some shocking news that shakes one to the core. I'm sure once all the dust has settled and my hands have stopped shaking one will forget your name again like so many times before. I even laugh a little because it is that easy for me no matter what is said I know that it simply does not make the slightest bit of difference. Maybe its time to jump in the water, wearing all our clothes and smile out to the horizon. With that feeling and that knowing...

It all is happening once and I stop fighting. Once I allowed the birds to sing and the trees to sway in the breeze. I can't even hear them anymore I'm so far away in my mind that it doesn't bother me so much these days. It all feels like some weird dream. The voices have quietened down and I can see clearly in the space where the fog used to be. The name of you is playing on my mind but I allow it to wash over me like I'm proud to be here. I would even go as far as to say I am. Not in that arrogant way which you always thought but in that humble little way quietly whispering that it's okay and the space becomes bigger and I can feel myself loosen my grip. Even my jaw has ceased to clench. It gets bigger and better as the seconds tick by. I'm going to jump right in sooner or later, just watch me. The world will catch me and you will be waiting behind the scenes...

There is a sense of relief, walking through the empty spaces. There are so many things I can do, no one can see me and I am free. I have a mission and you are not the one to know what these things are for me to do. My fingers are numb and want to break free. The mark on my wrist gives me an edge. I don't know what it is. I always like the marks and things that are worn in. The box is too small for me now, I've broken through the edges and its feels strange but in a good way like something new is happening and I like it. I like the taste of things that are yet to come. The unknown is exciting and revealing something that nobody can capture. I like things to be left to there own devices. So much can happen in this unknown space. Its where dreams are made. That dream I had when I was 5 that kept repeating itself and there was a cat in my garden that refuses to leave. I tried to chase him but he somehow managed to get away but still stay in the garden. It makes no sense in that way...