Tracey & George are on the edge of other peoples lives

 A story I started writing ages ago... here is a snapshot of the work in progress.

 

Tracey & George are on the edge of other people’s lives

By Lauren Hart (copyright 2021)

 

 

The water is dripping incessantly and you can not face the day. It’s another day, another problem you do not wish to face. But it all changed yesterday when you gave her that look. She has lost herself somewhere along the way. Was it whilst backpacking across America, climbing Mount Fuji or just walking through the leaves in the local park? She always felt as though she was on the edge and you were always running after her but never quite reaching. It hurts to remember this now. But one day the pain will fade and the laughter from childhood will return again. You are a wonder but never quite realised your power.

 

Tracey is sitting on a bench ready to meet the love of her life but gets up and decides to leave at the very last minute. She had arrived early but couldn't wait any longer to see if today was her day when everything would change. It had been a long time since she had felt in any way comforting and loving to another human being. She enjoyed snuggling up with the cat but clearly that was just not the same as the warmth of a human being. She had been questioning herself for years. The questions were mainly the same but the answers differed depending on her mood.

 

She is standing on the edge and you are on the other side. It is unclear if you are waiting for her or not. But what is becoming more and more apparent is that we are spending our lives looking for things in the wrong places.  There is no reason for this but you know it to be true and my hands are shaking at the sheer thought you could be arriving any second and I long for you to be here once again.

 

Tracey is sitting on the bench again, a place she has become familiar with all the more. The seasons are changing but something still remains a tiny shred of hope that she clings on to in the dark of the night.

 

These things come thick and fast and she is more aware than ever before. I told you the same thing happens over and over and everywhere you look the message is the same. Shall I place it on a billboard with flashing lights in case you decided to turn the other way and pretend all was not happening. I mean you could? Go on why not, it's easier that way. Or is it? How will the pain ease knowing this is your chance at something you have waited years to come true. Bravery some would say, stupidity is what you often deem it to be. But that is because you have long since believed that these things, those hidden in your dreams will ever manifest. We also know that you do not wish to live a lie and fake your way. Wearing masks never appealed to you, yet the one that is permanently stuck to your face has become like a second skin that everyone around you believes it to be you. Even if you have begun to accept it is difficult to chisel it off and leave yourself bare for everyone to see.

 

I can see beyond anything you ever thought possible. It is all coming to us right now you can see it my dear, but I promise you as we hide underneath the covers and trace the patterns with each other's fingers. We always like to hide in this way, we have been doing it since we were children and it brings comfort in a way nothing else can.

 

Tracey is sat at the bench again, this time she brought her sandwiches as she had decided it was silly to be worried about eating in public as no one was really looking at her anyway. As everyone had their problems that clouded their view and took all of their attention up. It always puzzled Tracey that this was the case for nearly 99% of the population but what about that 1% who were always doing it their own way? She wanted to be one of those, but here she was on yet another hunt for someone to escape the mundane way of living with and to just share her sandwich with. But before she got distracted her thoughts were mainly of you, she is waiting for you on that bench and she knows that you are out there somewhere. She is not sure if you are her soulmate in a romantic sense or would emerge in another form but she knows you are on the way and it's like a needle in a haystack and she is drawing you closer to her as each moment passes. She dreams of holding you in her arms and telling you everything will be okay.

 

The child she never had was somewhere waiting for her to remember her again. But that was too painful for today she just almost couldn't face the truth of the matter. That to put it simply she was alone again and she made that choice and the things she wanted always seemed to pass her by. She knew she should have lost that extra bit of weight but then she disagrees with gyms, she just doesn't get why you would pay to go there and force yourself to work out in front of others. She was overly self conscious but gave off an air of like I don’t give a shit but secretly she was desperate for your approval.

 

You are waiting for me and I am always walking around and never quite making it to your door. Or is it the other way round these days. I think you left many times before I mean a long time ago and I only just realised. Or was it the second or third time. We always knew it wouldn't work out because if someone makes that decision once there is no going back. I would never be able to let it go, but then i'm still not able to let it go now that you are gone. Why is that? I made a death ceremony and even consciously made a wish that you would always be happy whether than was with me or not. It's okay, I'm happy for you. I never gave you what you wanted or couldn't give you what you wanted due to my fear. I had this fear that I just couldn't overcome because it meant giving up everything I had ever known about anything I've ever been told.

Have you ever tried to go against the way you have learnt to be in this world. It's much harder than you think.

 

And my dear I left you for so long that you almost forgot about me. Inside our house it’s cold. Like an iceberg and Tracey has disappeared. She had that feeling that this time it was different. The feeling was real this time, it scared her to her core. But she knew ignoring it wouldn't make it go away. Life is messy, it doesn't make any sense. And she secretly liked it, it was where the real things happen. In the moments in between the controlled, preciseness of everyday life. She enjoyed the mess and chaos but spent her whole life running from it.

 

Resentment breeds in silence, if this is the worst you have ever done then you are having a pretty good life. Tracey was scared to let someone else in, in case they ruined everything. In case they mistook her for someone else. It was always the same but then never the same, she would attempt to let someone in then the same obstacles would crop up again and again to try to stop her.

So now the time has come to enter George. Well his real name's not George but he decided one day that he wanted to become someone else, anyone well that is the easiest way to describe it is some that was not him. So the fake George became the real George in a matter of weeks. No one questioned it. It was an easy name to just adapt to as it wasn’t like one of those made up names that people are calling their children these days, so everyone just accepted it and no one made a song or dance least of all him. So George was not too far away living on a street like anyone else, he had moved away from his hometown in an attempt to do something more with his life yet he still lived alone with his cat. He was getting older by the minute as we all are but yet his face still looked the same as it did when he was 16. He had kept moments as memories by pretending to take a picture with his hands and he would religiously throw them. The best moments of his life, the moments he also wanted to forget but somehow couldn't like the day his best friend died and never returned from that trip in Thailand. He pretended he was gone but something wouldn't let him be okay with it….

 

To be continued...