The dust settles in my mind

The trees are blowing in the wind and all I can see is you. I grab your hand and we sing that song that no one else knows. We speak of things that are not for others ears. I am waiting patiently with my shoes in my hand. I know you are there hiding, waiting it out. My tea is getting cold and my hand is reaching out for you in the middle of the night. I want for all these things but they are not for me. Not yet, the time will come when things will be right. I'm sorry you always said things that to me are not true. Me and you are different  you see. I'm like a stone and you are like a pebble. We may look similar but we want for a different way of life. The darkness is calling my name like that way it used to and sometimes it catches me and others I manage to slip away, like the way sand runs through my fingers. Honesty is something that doesn't come easy but I don't want to live my whole life as a lie or some half truth that one day felt right and now some how it doesn...

It seems these things have seen better days like that old teddy bear that ended up in the wash and lost his eye. I prefer him that way. It gives him character like that scar on my leg that's fading as each day passes. I like the marks and things that appear as we enter different stages of our lives. Its like my stories are written on my skin and only those who are close are in the know. I like secrets. The harmless ones that at are not for everyone. The ones that are for us to keep and to show each other under the covers when night falls. But I can't seem to wake you these days. No matter what I do. You are walking around in a some sort of deep sleep and there is nothing I can do to save the mess that has been created. And so I drift into memories of the D and T cupboard at primary school and remember how time just stopped when I was in there. Rummaging around in all the boxes and realising that nothing else mattered. The peaceful safety of my own world. Its filled with pipe cl...

I can't believe I didn't see it till now. I've been hiding, trying to keep quiet  and do the right thing and only whispering the truth in those hidden moments. It seems strange and it is sad some how that its only in those moments I was able to be the way I need to be. The trees knew it all all long and tried to reach out to me. But I never listened. The books I read are feeding my mind in ways I didn't knew existed. My mind is starved from reaching that level. I crave it so much. My bones are calling out for it. I wish for you to be still. Still long enough to realize. But that will come one day, I will wait for you in my dreams. There you will see and we will be free.

The lights are off. Someone switched them off a while ago. It's hard to see. But I like it that way. It's like no one can reach me that way. It's like a different world exists. One where I can do all the things I'm usually too scared to do. There are too many things going on for them to keep up with me. Its like I'm just out of reach. I like being out of reach. I can't get hurt that way. Well its harder for the hurt to reach me that way. But it hurts in other ways. I'm not sure which is worse. It's always been like this, some join for a while and it works then it seems they can't keep up. They can't keep my mind engaged. Why is that? What does it take to engage me on another level? Not the mundane everyday one but a world where all the unseen things exist. Like a world where me and you are dreamers and we run through the forest hand in hand without our shoes. I love the feeling of walking barefoot on the hard surface with a few leaves and twigs ...

When they cut half of me away. It felt like the right thing to do. I was reluctant at first but then I let go. I gave in somehow. It was necessary. It was what I knew deep down the thing to do. The right thing. To give me some space away from it all. To see things how they really are rather than constantly distracting myself. You know its actually easily done. My mind is like a secret warrior trying to fight it all. Fight those imaginary monsters under my bed the ones I thought were there when I was 5. They are important to me less so now. Right or wrong its just the way it is. My jaw is tense from all the fighting. I fight,  I kick and I scream  just not in the way one would think but hidden in my dreams. Its hidden away and you can't see it. No one can. Well I say no one, the ones that matter the most can see it as though it  was placed upon a giant billboard with flashing neon lights advertising my deepest darkest secrets. But that's okay. I don't mind letting the...

Its never simple. Always so many thoughts trying to distract me. Then its the one that is relentless. Its her. Why can I not just let it go as though its some how relevant. My hands can't grasp the feeling. Its running away from me. Its always out of reach. Its not important enough to give it any weight. Just run away to the circus with me and see better days are yet to come

That word. That time. You me and a big jack in a box or was it a pirate ship? I can't quite remember but I know how it felt. I always know how it feels. I can never escape the feelings. Some people can easily block it away. Well I've been running my whole life and now there are no distractions and I have to face myself. The balloon has burst and its messy like that game on fun house. We used to watch it religiously when we were kids and you always wanted to be one of the twins and I wanted to be Pat Sharp. I don't know why but it just made sense somehow in my mind. It must have been his 80s mullet or bad choice of clothes. But we don't live on the same street anymore and all those things I use to hate I'm starting to fall in love with. I'm clinging on to them and trying to get back to before. I've lost a part of myself and I'm slowly turning into something else. It's okay. Im used to it now. Quick give me back my balloon I need to cover my face....