The dust settles in my mind

A song is playing that only you can hear. There is a block in the way which changed everything. You are here but you are also somewhere else. It doesn't make sense but some how it does. Things can not reach you.The gramophone is playing that same old song but you can't hear it anymore. Age is a troublesome thing. It has taken you away from me, there is a shadow where your former self used to be and now just a shell of you remains. It captured parts of you that will never return but your heart remains in the places it used to be. I will crank up our favourite song and secretly wish for you to send me a sign that you are making your way back to me. We will dance like those old couples in black and white movies wearing our best clothes and everyone will remember it like we are in times where things are back to how they ought to be. Your mind will come back to earth and we will whisper about our childhood memories whilst drinking tea and stealing the chance to be how we used to be...

There are knots everywhere. Tangled and torn. Difficult to undo, like most things. Sand is in my shoes and in my rucksack. Or is it backpack? I never know the way to say these things. I let my last one go down the river with all the rest. Balancing on a little raft in a way only you know how. My fridge is empty and sad. The only light is flickering and will turn out soon. Left alone in the darkness and I sit and wait for bedtime to come around again. We are about to make a move, wait for it. It's one you will like. Keep whispering until its the right time. I can feel the drips of the water on my forehead and you grab my hand and pull me closer. Its time, we are ready. We are secret warriors. Tell me again the things that no one else knows. I close my eyes and all I can hear is you. Time goes by in ways I don't understand.

The sound surrounding us is like the thought of drowning which I can only imagine is being trapped in a endless sea of suffering. Like death, that helpful reminder than all could be lost in an instant or being trapped inside my mind like the man on the diving bell and the butterfly only he didn't die and was trapped without being able to talk. The feeling overwhelms but keeps me calm, like that feeling of being under water but knowing you can surface at any moment. My brain is running a million miles an hour and then I close my eyes and it stops, everything slow down and I can see clearly. My mind is empty, like that time you decide to empty your bag out and feel how clean everything has become. Like that weird advert I also remember of the woman putting everything she eats in her handbag rather than in the bin. This emptying is important to make things right again. I've spent many years re-living whats wrong and I can see now, what I could not before or so I think. Its only a ...

The branch broke straight down the middle, in a perfect line. I thought it would last forever but the cracks started to show and became ever more clear like the jelly that fails to set in my fridge. There are certain words that I dislike, it is not as though the words have done anything to me they just don't leave my mouth in a way that I like or that sounds like they are meant to. I've never been beautiful, words just come out in a hurry and fall out all over the place like when you open a packet of rice the wrong way and the little pieces go everywhere. Thats what it's like when I try to talk. I envy you, you and your soft way of speaking, that is kind to others ears. That voice that is beautiful in many ways, more ways that I can write down here. its like a stream flowing past my ear drums and melts my heart. My heart jumps when I hear it. It has been such a long time but I know it's you. It doesn't make sense to everyone else. We can't expect them to unders...

It's one of those days when things are not the way they should be. The feelings are bubbling underneath and you are there. The pit of my stomach is yearning. You are always there and it hurts me to know that this is the way it will be for now. The waves are crashing at the side on my house and I can feel myself being pulled under. I wish for things that are yet to happen. Like that drip to stop coming out of my tap. I've tried to tighten my grip but its not working. It never works I'm not strong enough anymore. I have plaits in my hair and know that soon it will be time for them to come undone. I will wait patiently by the edge of the sea and maybe you will happen to walk by and everything will be the way it should be again. Things will have changed, wait what am I saying things have changed. I've changed and I make secret wishes and whisper them to the ocean so no one but the big wide world can hear me. Tears fall out of my eyes and I realise that red is not a colour I...

There is a time for things such as these. The moment when the realisations comes in gently. Slowly but surely they are coming to me and I like it. The fighting has stopped and my mind and body are calm. The top was left off and I hadn't noticed at the time. I thought it was somehow firmly screwed on tight no room for any more. But this was not the case. The top is off and more things are allowed to happen. Maybe that's not the right word. It's not over. A stale stench of something undefined is lingering in the air and its mildly unpleasant. But I know it will pass. You are there, you have always been there but my mind and heart were too clouded to see. There has been an opening in the trees and I can see now that I was wrong about it all. This is something I'm working on, I'm changing and I want to see everything for how it is rather than what I thought. The softness if good for me. The trees brush me with there wisdom and I run along the path. My feet do not want...

There is the incessant  noise of the comings and goings from the voice inside my head.  There is so much pain that is dripping out all over the place. It's messy like blood smearing everywhere. In an attempt to clean it up I am dropping things all over the floor. My hands are failing me these days. Age is taking its grip and pulling me closer to the end. I'm reaching out trying grasp the last little bits and I can't get to them anymore. The sadness consumes me and I can barely breath like the night terrors that use to consume you. They took you away and left me alone. I know you are safe somewhere out of reach but i'm still holding on with the last thread of the hope. I'll never forget you don't you worry about that. But maybe you don't worry about things such as these anymore. Come back to me and shield me from the pain, but these voices shield me but also numb me. This was not part of the plan. When I was 4 I really wanted to dance but dance was not for m...