The dust settles in my mind

Knots, leaves, broken things are surrounding us. It's like barbed wire that is impossible to get around. It's really tricky and spiky but no one can deny that it is there. But its worth it if you make the effort. Like my feelings. I thought over time they would fade but they are still there. Its hard and stupid to ignore them. I can see now clearly everything that it stops me from allowing the good things. The things that matter. You can have what you want that's what they say isn't it. Well some day I believe this to be true and other times I find it hard to accept. A bit like me really. I'm like some broken old toy that got left behind, I'm half hidden under the bed but my left leg is poking out just enough to show you I'm still here. Smoke signals are sometimes needed and always wanted. Did you know that life is waiting on us? Moments are passing us by and I'm fading away with each second. The clock is ticking in the background and I'm running tow...

It's a strange feeling to look down and see a body that does not feel like ones own. My arm is numb and feels like it is no longer a part of my body. It must have just decided to get up and leave in the middle of the night.  It was so cold that night who can blame it. I always think the monsters are going to grab any limb that finds its unfortunate way out of the warm cosy bed. I try to pull the sheets around my face and cover everything but I can’t stop thinking of you. I wake up and my arms reach out for you. My fingers frantically search the bed but you are not there. I open my eyes and the realisation hits me once again. Every time I wake I'm reminded again that you’re not here anymore. I have many things I have saved up waiting to tell you and I want to hear all the secrets you don't tell anybody else but I'm in the corner dancing on my own. The hairs stand up on the back of my neck but it's a near miss. The car is moving on its own and its like a dream where I...

There is something there I can see it but it's cloudy. Maybe its hiding and doesn't want to be found like that penny that got stuck down the side of the sofa years ago. Or was it a nickel? I like the word nickel. It leaves my mouth in a way I like and my ears welcome the sound of it. These days things come and go like the wind. It feels different and you're not hear anymore. The house is cold and empty and the floorboards creak with every footprint. My hair is longer these days and the wrinkles cover my face and hide who I really am. I've always been hiding waiting to be found. My whole life there has been a block in the way a gap between me and them. Me and you. It was always going to stop me until it was faced. Its like a gap in the memories of times gone by. They are coming back to me sometimes slowly sometimes fast. They will reveal themselves in times to come but for now I keep the hope that the block is getting smaller and smaller and one day will fade in to ...

A song is playing that only you can hear. There is a block in the way which changed everything. You are here but you are also somewhere else. It doesn't make sense but some how it does. Things can not reach you.The gramophone is playing that same old song but you can't hear it anymore. Age is a troublesome thing. It has taken you away from me, there is a shadow where your former self used to be and now just a shell of you remains. It captured parts of you that will never return but your heart remains in the places it used to be. I will crank up our favourite song and secretly wish for you to send me a sign that you are making your way back to me. We will dance like those old couples in black and white movies wearing our best clothes and everyone will remember it like we are in times where things are back to how they ought to be. Your mind will come back to earth and we will whisper about our childhood memories whilst drinking tea and stealing the chance to be how we used to be...

There are knots everywhere. Tangled and torn. Difficult to undo, like most things. Sand is in my shoes and in my rucksack. Or is it backpack? I never know the way to say these things. I let my last one go down the river with all the rest. Balancing on a little raft in a way only you know how. My fridge is empty and sad. The only light is flickering and will turn out soon. Left alone in the darkness and I sit and wait for bedtime to come around again. We are about to make a move, wait for it. It's one you will like. Keep whispering until its the right time. I can feel the drips of the water on my forehead and you grab my hand and pull me closer. Its time, we are ready. We are secret warriors. Tell me again the things that no one else knows. I close my eyes and all I can hear is you. Time goes by in ways I don't understand.

The sound surrounding us is like the thought of drowning which I can only imagine is being trapped in a endless sea of suffering. Like death, that helpful reminder than all could be lost in an instant or being trapped inside my mind like the man on the diving bell and the butterfly only he didn't die and was trapped without being able to talk. The feeling overwhelms but keeps me calm, like that feeling of being under water but knowing you can surface at any moment. My brain is running a million miles an hour and then I close my eyes and it stops, everything slow down and I can see clearly. My mind is empty, like that time you decide to empty your bag out and feel how clean everything has become. Like that weird advert I also remember of the woman putting everything she eats in her handbag rather than in the bin. This emptying is important to make things right again. I've spent many years re-living whats wrong and I can see now, what I could not before or so I think. Its only a ...

The branch broke straight down the middle, in a perfect line. I thought it would last forever but the cracks started to show and became ever more clear like the jelly that fails to set in my fridge. There are certain words that I dislike, it is not as though the words have done anything to me they just don't leave my mouth in a way that I like or that sounds like they are meant to. I've never been beautiful, words just come out in a hurry and fall out all over the place like when you open a packet of rice the wrong way and the little pieces go everywhere. Thats what it's like when I try to talk. I envy you, you and your soft way of speaking, that is kind to others ears. That voice that is beautiful in many ways, more ways that I can write down here. its like a stream flowing past my ear drums and melts my heart. My heart jumps when I hear it. It has been such a long time but I know it's you. It doesn't make sense to everyone else. We can't expect them to unders...