The dust settles in my mind

The days are long and tiresome. My hands are small and soft, wrinkly from too much time in the bath. My eyes have no more tears. No more make up stained faces. It has all been erased and washed away like someone’s old memories. They are etched in my trunk hidden underneath to keep them safe. My heart moved on a while ago but my mind took it's time to catch up. But now it's free. Today is my last day. And then the thoughts of you will come any longer. I'm sad but only for a while. It will pass just as seasons change. And  I'm  off to do all of those things I couldn't do while we were two. My new life is waiting and I can't hold on any more and neither can you. 'Why do we sacrifice so much energy to our art? Not in order to teach others but to learn with them what our existence, our organism, our personal and unrepeatable experience have to give us; to learn to break down the barriers which surround us and to free ourselves from the breaks which hold us b...

The demands are immense. They come from every angle and there is nothing I can do to stop them. Who knew that so many things required so much attention. I've never really needed you I always thought that I did. But I guess that was when I wasn't myself and didn't take the time to listen to what I wanted. I'm stronger than I realise and its happening now. All in good time. I always saw this as one of my downfalls but maybe it's one of my strongest weapons. I give and give and give. But now its time to STOP. I'm not letting them take any more. My hands reach out for the leaves. I love the way they fall through my fingers. The old ones are the best. I'm not for you anymore. I've given enough and I'm sorry if for you that doesn't seem appealing but that's the way it has to be. You'll understand one day and maybe we can talk then. Or maybe not but either way I'm saying goodbye.

I remember the bitter taste. The sweet softness of the touch. It dripped out of my mouth and on to my clothes. It was everywhere all messy and sticky. I remember your face. That nose that I  loved to touch. I placed sweet kisses upon it. It felt just exactly how I imagined. Those big brown eyes that failed to conceal your hidden sadness. That you never chose to share. If you look for long enough it's all laid out for everyone to see. You looked odd in a way that I liked. I wanted to know you more but that wasn't an option for you. I wanted to delve into the depths of your soul but skating on the surface was enough for you. I was eager to learn more and find out your secrets, the ones you don't tell anybody. I wanted to find out the things you do when no ones watching. I still wonder what could be hiding underneath. Honest isn't one of the things you like to be. Not now and not with me.

My brain is sick filled with thoughts that do not suit any one to have. They have been festering and rotting away for days or is it years? I can’t quite remember. It all a bit of a blur, time passes and no one is listening. But let’s be clear about this. I feel a whisper would be more fitting.  It's been centuries!  Wow, how old do I feel now but it’s more precise this way. I've had the privilege of their company in many different situations and places. They have travelled with me to primary school especially on that day, when I dressed up as Beethoven, the dog that is not the composer, most days in the supermarket especially when I was living in London and what you have in your basket is as important as what clothes you decided to dress your body in that day, auditions, rehearsals, drama classes at university in fact every part of what I love about the theatre they are there waving and smiling at me, on the bus yes that simple place to take you from A to B and they tu...

The cuffs on my sleeves are rolled up. The colour is appealing to the eye. I love this place. This feeling. How strange to think it was only what feels like yesterday you called to say you wanted me. Feelings are so odd. Sometimes you just know something is right and so easily you know when something is wrong. Like when you first meet someone and you get that vibe. Good or bad or indifferent. Sometimes it's so strong. We sat on the steps on that cobbled street and talked for hours. It’s funny because you're nothing like the others but then I’m nothing like how I was before. My mind enjoys been challenged to think outside the box. I hate that saying. To think in a different way seems more fitting somehow. The millions of thoughts in my mind distract me and I can breathe again. Fully breathe in the sea air and see the beautiful flowers that are calling out to me. Talk to them you said. Tell them your thoughts, ask them questions. You never know what they will say in reply. You ...

I don't get it why did it hurt so bad I wasn't even that interested at first and then it all came and hit me at once. Was it the interest that won me over or was it just waiting to revealed and pulled out from underneath?   It was always all about the feelings of you. Rather than the sharing of the two. How could that ever work? It’s a two way thing not just a one way ticket to enjoy yourself at my expense. I guess I needed more and you my dear were just simply not able to provide such things . Some would say only the unaware behave in younger ways and maybe I demand too much but I didn't like the way I felt when I was with you. That alone is enough for me to let it go.  It seems silly somehow in such a short space of time. I went from being  un-apologetically me i nto a crappy pretend version of me. That one who used to pop out in the times before the world of chanting began. I thought I had changed. I thought it was different. This time was meant to be d...

I cant seem to put my finger on what it is. Why are my flaws so appealing to you to rip them apart and use them as your own. A part of me I would prefer not to exist and since they do. I like them to be kept private rather than you parading around as though they some how make you in to something or someone or anything other than you. It's strange to me but I guess I live in a different time and different place to you. Im carefully cutting the grass while you are squashing the delicate flowers with your clumsy fingers. Unaware of the destruction it's causing. You are pissing all over any of my positives and dressing it up as a well intentioned favour. Well I don't need favours of that kind in order for you to feel better. I'm alright as I am thanks, flaws and all. Let me breathe my own air and just be yourself. The world will thank you in the end. And so will I.