The dust settles in my mind

Glass is everywhere. It sparkling and white. Shattered all over the ground and I try to step forward without cutting my feet. I just about manage it but then at the last hurdle I stumble. Its always the same. But somehow I know even though it feels the same, this time its different. What a contradiction but some how it makes sense in my mind. I'm not sure if its the film that covers my face, as though I'm trapped in a bubble and can't get out. But somehow I know that it can be overcome. The glass is there to remind me of this. I want to roll my body all over the floor and scream at the top of my lungs but settle for a tiny whisper that allows that same old song to be revealed once again. What would it feel like to be stuck inside a balloon? The colour is red and masking my face. Well this is how it feels. I can breathe but only just and I can see you but only just. You can't see me but only just and I'm stuck with out realising but only just. Everything is cloud...

The scars are fading fast. The drip will not stop. I am all of you yet none of you. When will you listen? Its nibbling at my feet again. Yes, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I'm not explaining it like I always have to. I want it to stop but yet want to see if I can hang on in for a few minutes to see how far I can push myself. This is not what I expected and yet everything I always wanted. I can't keep my hands to myself. Not in the way that one would expect but one in such a way that seems silly some how! I know its better this way. The mirror reflects that face that I can't stand like that place I called home as a child. It just doesn't seem to make sense yet in the back of mind its perfectly clear. This is not what you expected yet you're still here. You don't run away at the slightest of hurdles. In fact nothing seems to faze you, not even if I do all the ugly things most people hate. You just blink and say something funny. I've been wa...

And who would have thought? It all comes back to this. My one true love. My first love. How could I have passed you by? Distracting myself with less exciting things that just do not hit the spot. Only you can take me to that place that no one else can. I'm just not myself with others trying to settle for pretend versions of you.  I need all of you. All at once. For so long I've blocked you out because I just didn't believe I could have you fully. But my heart is here with open arms hoping you haven't given up on me. And I pray you decide to hang on in for a few more minutes to show me I'm worth the wait. Please forgive me my dear I've been blind all these years. Hiding and covering the cracks to block you out. But I'm back and I'm here to stay. My body yearns to experiment with your old ways and to learn new ways. Eager to make up for lost time. Movement, theatre, dance, call me what you like in front of the others but to me you will always be 'my lo...

And it hit me.   Blocked.  Well least its a clear message. Similar to that of a kick in the teeth. It hurt for like 5 seconds. Until I realised I'm not the same any more. The old me would have gone ahead and changed everything to be perfect person. That shit just doesn't kick it these days. Maybe it was my granddad cardigan or the fact I hadn't worn my hair in the right style or that I sat in chewing gum. Either way a bit of honesty and having the balls to say it. Goes down well in my book but that's where we differ. I knew it wasn't right from that moment. I'll keep my messy hair, the things that make me weird along with meaningful conversations. I mean netflix? Are you serious?  Family bonds a little too close for my liking. Cut those apron strings or at least loosen  the grip. Peru my darling you are looking sweeter by the minute.  Wait for me I'm on my way...

I did not speak when I needed to.  This let us both down. What needed to be said was left unspoken. The moment passed by painfully without even so much of a tiny whispered 'I like you' or any other ounce of honesty. But as always things carry on The birds still sing the same fucking song and the wind rattles my window. But all I see his him. His face stained my memory. The truth is hidden by mountains of bullshit. Your voice is in my head. Those eyes are still all I see. Time is painful when you are not around yet still it does not ease when you return. I made you up and the truth shattered by dreams. Broken shards of my make belief picture on my bathroom floor and I crumble beneath the truth.

When I was young I always felt really lonely. I always felt like I was missing something. I wanted more and no one could provide it for me. The rents were always too busy to entertain me so I used to hid under my bed and read with a torch pretending I was in another place in another time.

I used to jump from relationship to relationship always changing to suit the needs of the person I was with rather than being myself. I wasn't even sure who I was.  So it for me it fine to just be who they wanted me to be. But I would always get bored and jump ship before I was in too deep. It was so lonely. I also started relationships with anyone who would have me. I was scared to really feel anything so I just pretended, call me a professional pretender if you like. I was so scared to be real that I created all these different versions of myself. But it always left me feeling empty because I couldn't say how I really felt, or do what I really enjoyed. On the surface I looked as though I was happy but deep down I was utterly miserable. Thank fuck I'm not like that any more!

It was this morning, he looked at me and then I didn't know what to do. I knew this was the last moment and I couldn't stop it from happening no matter how hard I tried. It was over and my life was flashing before my eyes and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I had to pack all my life up into stupidly small boxes and move back to the place I hated as a child. Somehow I knew it was inevitable but I wanted to hold on for a few minutes longer rather than facing the truth.