The dust settles in my mind

The place I belong has suddenly shifted. Alone is a place I find myself in my head. I am never alone. Never alone. Never alone. Never alone. Reality has shifted again and again. I do not know these places. It’s all new but feels like remembering. You have always been with me. I’m so glad we get to be reunited in this life time. With you is a place I will always belong.

 Why are you here? Why are we here?  I touch upon the darkness like I am skating on thin ice. Its calls to be avoided and the reluctance is what pulls me in, a contradiction but this knows me well. Why am I here? Here you say but we are not really ever here. I am everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. I can hear the calling but turn away each time, fear calls my name and I pause. maybe I will take a peak this time this time it's different, isn't that what they all say. Skirting around in the dark and I invite it all in. Why are we here? To be bigger than this, to face all of this and more. I want it all and more. I will never stop seeking the distance and inviting it in to this life that I call mine. Why are you here? They cry. To not let you forget that you are here too and we can do this together. Always together until we are not.

It's like a rollercoaster you can never step foot off. But one that you wouldn't want to anyway. I am leaning in and you are around the back like you always are, why does this feel familiar. I am seeking as always and the dissatisfaction has found me again, I want to hide out again and never come back. I am calling your name and I know this is the real things but find my self wondering or is it wandering? I am always wondering and curious to know if you do too. We are not the ones we were before. We have come back to see if this is what it is all about. You are what I am all about, my fingers type fast and furious and I can't get enough, Its been too long and I don't know where to stop. I never know where to stop. I am longing for you and I cant have you any more. The sand falls between my fingers and beneath my feet and I can reach out and whisper but no one can hear me anymore. 

A play. Man. Woman. And everything in between. A life, a thousand lives we have lived till now. I see you there painted in white. I hold space. I hope to return again.  Press play. Stop recording. The story is over. Until next time.

There is something different in the air. You joined us not so long ago and we are together again in this life and beyond. My hand reaches out for you yet my heart has always known you. It has always been you. You waited for the right moment to arrive and here you are in all your glory. A thousand special moments have come and gone and gratitude has new meaning. Things will never be the same. Everything is a contradiction but feels exactly as it should. I’m so excited for whats yet to come. I’m more myself than ever before. I was made for this. I’m grateful for you allowing me to return to self. I’m holding on and letting go all at once. You know your own path and I will guide you. You are safe with us and you are free. 

There are six stepping stones and we are always in the right place. I take a step towards this. It's the feeling of knowing it's always been this way beyond what you could ever have wanted. I am all you have wanted and this is bliss. The plans are in the making and I call out in the distance and the water receives me well. I am diving in and making waves. We are here together. The water surrounds us as we listen out for her. I am feeling something and we know it to be true. The distance comes upon us now like from the times in the past when we had met before. I can see her in my dreams always. I've let go and allow it all to exist. This is all there is. I am free with you and everything inbetween.

You are calling my name in the language we already agreed upon. I am facing towards you now. I can feel this is all the things we always wanted and I wait. Patience has never been a strong point but feeling in to it I can see why the others do it. I choose you over and over. Every day that passes its always you. We are in between all that could be. The birds are hiding out pretending to be something they are not. Is it that we are always pretending to be in this world. Yet my world always includes you. The wind is howling and the feathers fall between our fingers. I am only small and and hidden amongst the leaves. We are settling into a new place in the forest and the river is part of our back garden and I have always wanted to be here with you and her. Our little 3 as we planned all along in lives that have gone by. I will always meet you in each one, We are here together and everything is calm that surrounds us now. 

The sense that something new is emerging comes thick and fast. We are settling in, nesting and getting ready for her to arrive. She is holding my hand in my dreams and I know she is on the way. The right time is always the right time. You never know but yet you do. I can see you from a far and see beyond the words which you speak. I am dreaming often these days. Someone once took my dreams away and replaced them with empty nights filled with nothing other than the feeling of being frozen like stuck in the bottom of the river unable to speak. This is long gone now and I reach for you. My voice is heard and understood in ways beyond everything I imagine. We are holding each other enough to be free and I am always holding your heart in my hands, it's safe with me. Im safe with you. Run in the distance and call my name. I will hear you there always. Tomorrow is home to me. Tomorrow comes again and again.

I am sitting still for a change, patiently sitting with everything we know to be true but yet find difficult. Some things are difficult. But we have each others backs. It's okay, I am feeling it all and know I am scared but yet know this is right. I’m safe with you. I feel it deep within, the things that need to emerge, the other parts of me are trying to protect all that is. There is a knowing we are made for this. The branches brush past us and we enter the unknown. We are held and they can see us clearly. They all want to come and take a closer look. We let them see, we let them all see. 

The fire burns away in the background and we sit and talk about everything and nothing at all. So much is going on behind the scenes. The plans are in the making and we are ready for it. We are seeing beyond it all, the everyday things. You talk and see me in a different way. We are surrounded by it all. Its good good and inspiration emerges. We take a deep breath in and relax into it all. The water reaches us in all the places it missed before. We dip our toes in and there is a knowing. This life is made for us. My fingers reach outwards and clasp yours. Lets begin again and again. I will always hold the goodness in my hearts and hands.

You are in my dreams always, I like to visit you there, in the abyss where time stops and starts and makes all the difference. I am treasuring myself more these days in a way that I could never do before. I am wishing you back to life but that time will never come. Maybe in another life time we will come back to together. It’s a shame we never got to meet for real. I talk to you regardless and the trees also hear my secrets in a way that you used to do.

We are here together yet separate. Together in all the things that are needed but we are free. More free than we have ever been. This is what we have both always needed. I am holding you up yet letting you be who you need to be in all the moments. These moments matter more than you realise. Like when I brush my hands slowly near your face, gently does it but necessary. I send you that knowing sign that I am falling all over again. Falling and letting go into the new things that are emerging each and every day. Times have changed and we are here. In the thick of it. The wilderness holds us. We are standing on the edge of something. We are yet to know what. But deep down we have always known. We embrace it all. Gently and softly we step forward. I am riding my bicycle in my dreams and you are there smiling away holding everything in your hands. You reach out and we become everything else. My dreams are made of everything I need. You brought sandwiches the ones I really like. You think of...

I am everything to you and this is something else. You can feel it deep within your bones. It is a feeling, so the others can't see it. This is the funny thing so many have tried to avoid the feelings. We are always winning in what we want. Because we come back to self and heal the things that are calling out to us. We feel the feelings and move on. We keep moving forward in ways that are new and only for us. The others could not reach these levels of depth. It's not a judgement just the way things are. Age has treated us well if you think of it. Timing is a beautiful. It can be a wondrous thing. She is out there and she is waiting for us. I promise you I will keep your little heart safe. It's not that your heart is little, its more expansive that anything I can imagine that's why you chose us. It's just that it feels delicate, not that you are delicate but to me your heart is delicate and I want to treat it gently as that's what you deserve to be treated in way...

I am reaching out and falling down. You are standing waiting to be told. The abyss is embracing me exactly as I always wanted it to . We are the real ones falling in the cracks between what everyone else thinks to be true. I am falling as you are catching and we are never the same following this moment. I take a breath and let it all go. The trees are swaying in the breeze in a way that is different to the rest. We are different and yet the same. That old things I like to say. I have known you all my life and yet we have come together again just when things were right. It needed to be this way in which we don't understand but feel it in our bones. We wish the others well and thank them for everything they did. Lets play the music from our childhoods and sing quietly as we sit in our beautiful house and look out at the garden. We are watching and she is playing and happy. The joy is infectious and this is how its meant to be. We have waited a lifetime and I wish it could have happen...

The feeling of inertia filters through everything. Clouding what I know to be true. I can feel in the distance. Joy is hiding out and on its way to me and to you. We have something special that I can’t feel with the others. I want it to be you, always you. My hands are feeling how light this feels in my heart, like its right. We just fit. Its simple and yet so precious. It can not easily be replicated. I hold my breath and avoid the day as a way to honour what we have. To live in my mind of all the times we have felt this way and continue to do so. I’m looking towards our future together, we are holding hands and running across the sand into the distance. We have many things ahead of us and I don't want to let it go. 

Letting go. To make space for it all to be allowed. Space for the new to emerge and bloom like castles in the sand. Your face looks like mine and I whisper across the water to you. Wait you will find me there. Glistening, my eyes are wide and open welcoming you into a space I have reserved. A special kind of space thats not meant for the others. We will make great things together along with the moon. You will hold my hand and its like its always been this way. Your heart is safe with me. We treasure it all and hold on lightly. There is room for us in every place we find ourselves in. I can hear your song softly in the background as my heart beats a little faster at the thought of you

The petals are covering you in every way. You smile shyly like it is the first time. I can hear everything I need to. The forest is green as you would expect. Your eyes are looking my way again and and I feel something changed. You are making your way back to me. There is no need to forget, lets hold all our memories and embrace then as they have brought us here. We can swim if needs be but we are on our way back to where we belong. Something has changed so this will be better than the last and we know for sure we are real in every sense of the word. Hold my hand and call my name. You are everything I was always looking for. Lets make dinner and dance in the kitchen. I rest easy knowing you are there, my hand reaches for you in the dark and we are safe in here. And then dawn comes and takes you away again. I wish for more time as always I’m left with a bitter taste of wanting in my mouth. I know you will be back once again. I wait patiently till the moment arrives and takes my breath a...

 I am holding you up in my mind.  Are we ever free to be who we want or need to be? I am sure you know this and I wish to whisper this over and over with you in my mind. I am always speaking to you. You may have long since forgotten by I have not. I don't think I will ever forget you. This is important to say somehow even if you don't know it. I am running towards rather than away from all that we want. She is looking up at me with a questioning smile and I like you all over again. I am reminded of all the special moments, lets hold hands and run along the bridge and jump into the water together yet separate. The water surrounds us filling in the spaces in between. I am with you now. Don't let me go.

We are ready to face the day, together yet separate. This is the meaning behind the things we do not see. I am sensing these things out. Emerging through the cracks in the ceiling they come to us like fireflies in the distance. I am distanced sometimes with you. The things that scare us are what make us whole in the end. Is it the end or the beginning this is a familiar thing to us and them. Or is it you and me or perhaps we? We is a thing I like, It means more than the two of us, no one is fading in the background to allow us to exist. We all have seats at the table and we are high enough to see. I can see all that is true even if you want to turn away from this. I am not wishing to blank out moments of our lives. I want to see it all and be there in it all with us. The three of us, hold hands and I know this is how it is meant to be. The whispers in the distance of the waves of the trees and all that surrounds us. We are living near the water and we all are real. In that way that not...

There is something emerging whilst the trees protect us. They hold our secrets lightly. My hands are reaching out to all the stories of our lives. The excitement bubbles as we share our songs with each other. There is a sense of matching the words we speak and those we do not. The actions we take are all in line with everything we want. We openly share exactly the way it is. The comfort has no bounds and I wrap you up in my dreams and you are always smiling.